On Raising Children- The Gaps

Finding You

Finding You

A Mother’s Connection

In your growth
I touch the gaps-

Who I was to
who you were –

A momentary lapse-

until blessed am I,
I find you again.

This is written in regards to what it is to parent.

My stepson is growing and changing a lot. He is not the same boy he was 4 months ago. And sometimes, I find a brief moment exists before I see him as he truly is now.

It is almost a conscious thought- of –

“oh, I see how you are behaving. This means something totally different now, doesn’t it?
Your needs, your thoughts, your being have all undergone a substantial change, and lucky me, I get to witness it.

Yet, sometimes I need to run to catch up to who you have become.”

This moment is not a failure on my part or that of any parent.

In that moment, we simply are in the space of who we once were with the child who once was. And now, we become who we will be with the child who is emerging.

And in that time, we will be blessed with finding the child (and ourselves) again.

On the Edge of Darkness

Soul Fighter

Soul Fighter

In Your innocent Light, you
touched the skirt of Darkness

and now you know
and now you understand

to a depth only Experience
can bear

and came away aware

Your Soul touched Darkness
And now You Light the Perimeter.

I wrote this because, as we all sometimes do with things in our lives, I was questioning how I became to be a stepmom to children whose own mother treats them (in my mind) with such cold indifference.

And, I realized, after helping my stepson so much as of late, and he would say “But no one would believe me.” I kept saying, “I do. I do believe you.” And he asked why.

Suddenly, internally, I realized why I could believe him- I had “touched the skirt” of his mother’s darkness. I KNEW because I had experienced her coldness, blatant disregard and belittling.

So, now I stand with my little ol’ innocent Light – on the border of darkness, marking the perimeter so my stepchildren may be able to see what is good, normal, and right.

I do not want to make less of anyone’s experience with “darkness” in life. BUt perhaps by having your own Light brush up against that Darkness, you will safely mark the border for others.

Differently

Spirit Becoming

Spirit Becoming

Breathe in time differently

The other day, I was scanning through some pages and came across something about food being different in New Orleans. I am not sure how it lead me to come with the above statement, but it did.

And it has been my mantra over the past few days. “Breathe in time differently”. Whenever I say that to myself, I can feel myself relaxing.

“Breathe in time differently”- We don’t have to run around breathing as if it were our last gasp. The universe unfolds in its own time. Hyperventilating will not hurry it along, nor will holding our breath in fear keep it from moving along.

When we breathe in time differently, we find the natural rhythm of it all.

—-
On a side note, I have been dreaming a lot about hamsters and gerbils. I looked up their symbolic meaning and found it to be “communing and healing”. I have always been a fairly quiet, independent type, but over the past month I have been blessed with people coming out of no where to “see” and support me. I am not sure how open I have always been to receiving such kindness, but I am learning to embrace support in all its beautiful forms.

Bunny Buddha

Joy

Joy

What happens on a given morning that a heart awakens with such joy
when the evening before it had lived in exhaustion?
Did God take the night time to whisper sweetness in the sleepy ear or
in the space of darkness and quiet,
did the Heart fortify itself with the sound of its own rhythm?

I awakened this morning feeling much stronger than I have recently. I was surprised, as I went to bed so exhausted last evening. I always wonder what happens during those times which allows the Heart to feel so much lighter in the morning.

Resurrection

Evolution

Evolution

To step into new Love is to die and be resurrected.

—-
I liked this image and words. When I first did the image, I thought of the circles across the bottoms as chakras. But, then, I also saw them as signs of evolution, speeding along, one changing into the other. The circle in the “sky” then was God, witnessing our evolution.

The other day, I had a huge mental shift as to how I saw myself. And I realized, that one criteria of stepping into a new way of thinking (or loving) one’s self is that we must die to the old way of thinking and loving our selves. In this death, we place our full hope on the new love to resurrect us.

White Stag

White Stag

White Stag

We never know what we can become, when our heart remains hidden.
Grow symbolic horns to protect its emergence.

—-
Funny how this came about. I kept hearing “white heart” in my mind, but the heart was not white and it had horns. I looked up “White Heart” and was lead to “White Hart” which stands for “White Stag”. Good enough :)

It can be scary to emerge into our greatest selves. I think it is ok to grow some antlers or horns to protect our best selves.

Creeping and Crawling to One’s Destiny

Creeping and Crawling

Creeping and Crawling

I think there are times we are confronted with the lies we are telling (sometimes with the best of intent) about our lives and what we are actually doing.

Lies serve no one. Lies escalate, confuse, divert, manipulate and create a mess of knots in which we attempt to be hidden.

I have come to realize what a “Mom Lie” I have been living.

My husband’s ex-wife has never really effectively mom-ed her children. This has only escalated now that her boyfriend has suffered a severe injury and she stays with him at a hospital 80 minutes away, while her kids are with us. Of course, when she speaks to her son, she signs off the call with “Don’t forget about me!”

One way to have a child “not forget about you” is to actually show up and be present in the child’s life.

This past week, I have had the children completely to myself. The mom is with her boyfriend and my husband is on a business trip.

It is the week before school, so you can imagine how hectic is has been. I have taken my stepdaughter back and forth to work daily, signed my stepson up for a 3- day football camp and managed to take him ( :) ), school schedule changes, meeting with my stepson’s teachers, a sleepover and so on.

All on my own .. and the kids and I have had a GREAT time. I only had to raise my voice once :)

Normally, I would have remained “hidden” in all of this, denying I was really doing “all that much”- afraid I would be attacked (Their Mom recently said that I do too much because I am trying to steal her thunder. The sense of “thunder” that she feels she presents with is barely a discrete fart, really.)

Not this time. I woke up today telling the kids what a great time we had and not denying what a great time they had with me. They don’t want their Mom to return, because, quite simply, she is never “really there” anyway.

Even today, she COULD come back- it is her day after all- but she thought it “best” if I took my stepson to get his football equipment and take my stepdaughter to work. She will be back “some time” later today.

I certainly hope I am not too “thunder-ous” as I carry out these duties.

I will no longer deny that I am the mother energy for these children, in both the literal and “big picture” sense of the word- “mother”. I remember the details of their lives, make plans for and with them to thrive (not only survive), and carry and conduct myself as a WOMAN of love and power, not a child who needs to be cared for by her own children.

For too long, I have lied about my role, primarily to myself, and it has caused pain and confusion for myself and others. No more.

Thunder on! :)


The image is a quick marker sketch.I liked the “uncertainty” of the figure as it walked towards its light.

Incomplete

Undefined

Undefined


When the definitions of Self are no longer so clearly defined
and Empty space shows among the features,
you realize the beauty of incomplete-ness.

—-
I liked this image and the possibilities it spoke about. It also had me realizing how often I had let others attempt to define me.

Recently, I have had to take on an even greater role as mother to my stepchildren. As this has unfolded, I have been met with open arms by so many caring, loving people who honor who I am and what I do with these children. Other mothers ask me to get together with them and “our kids”.

The other day I had to drop off my stepson at music camp, and another Mom was waiting there for me just to say “Hi”.

These may seem like small things, but they are not.

For years (7 to be exact) the story about me, among my stepkids and their Mom (when they were with her), was how horrible, mean, and terrible I was.

In some ways, I tried to keep myself hidden because of all the negative judgment that was rained upon me. There was a part of me, sadly, that thought they must be a little right. So I hid and allowed a small, small part of me to be defined by them.

I know this has happened to so many who have negative, abusive people in their lives. Logically, we may know what they say is not true, but there is a part of us that processes this information and wonders “Are they right?”

No more.

I move now into possibility, the empty spaces that have yet to be defined (by myself or others).