The Power of “Not Good Enough” Girl

Angel Carrying Sun

Angel Carrying Sun

I have an alter ego. I used to say I was secretly a “bad-ass rocker chick”, until I mentioned it to my family. After they stopped laughing, they said the only other career they thought I could have is as a librarian. I am not sure they were too hopeful even with that.

I met my other alter ego recently. We have been having a very busy summer. I will do three trips in 8 weeks, I am teaching 3 classes, and am beginning a new consulting opportunity. In the midst, we are building a new home and attempting to sell our current one.

Our realtor called the other day and said some agents were saying our home was too cluttered. You see, I had been packing and had nowhere to put the boxes.

I was mortified. I chastised myself- “Our house is not selling because you made it too cluttered, even after they said to remove the clutter. What were you thinking? You should have had the house cleaner.”

As I walked under the shade tree to my car at work that day, I met her, my alter ego, “Not Good Enough” (NGE) girl.

“NGE” girl has been with me my entire life. In deep conversations with friends, I would literally say, ” I wish I were good enough.” Good enough at what? My answer would have been “Life in general.”

“NGE” Girl is unstoppable. She was created, in her mind, to save the world. She was first going to save my mother (who was suicidal for part of my childhood). Step two, even better, was that she was going to make my mother happy.

She would do everything in her powers, and still it would NOT be enough. Thus “NGE” Girl was born.

I had not “seen” her for some time until that day. It amazed me (and perhaps you can relate) how rabid, intense, and cut-throat that internal voice of my “failure” was. My house was “not good enough” and by extension neither was I.

I don’t think I am the only woman who lives with such a voice. I think there are many, many “NGE” Girls out there.

“NGE” Girls are always striving, always perfecting, in an attempt to “be enough”.

I like to change things around and find my power, if you will. In any event in which I am lost, I picture an infinity loop with me in the center. I send my energy out, and the goal is for it to turn that corner and return to me, completing the cycle.

I put the energy of “NGE” Girl out there- how could I get that energy back?

I believe each contains its opposite- so what power could I gain from “NGE” Girl?

“NGE” Girl is first and foremost- unstoppable. It may not always be the healthiest approach, but She truly believes She can and will do it all.

“NGE” Girl is driven. She has “failed” so many times, failure does not even register with her, She keeps going.

“NGE” Girl is smart, wicked- smart. She has to be. If She is going to save herself and the world, She will watch, She will learn and She will begin to anticipate.

“NGE” Girl is compassionate. Having been belittled and “not enough” her entire life, She knows an underdog when She sees one and has no problem being a champion of its cause.

“NGE” Girl is fearless. She has already lost a lot and still She is willing to risk more.

“NGE” Girl is aware. She is tried her entire life to “make it right”. It has been her passion to live to her highest potential. It may not be recognized by others but She know “good enough” is there and she refuses to settle.

As I wrote, I think there are many “NGE” Girls out there. We may have been overtly told or subjectively referenced that we are “not enough”.

But that “not enough” has carried a potential of Power within It. May every “NGE” Girl not only learn to use that Power, but come to acknowledge it!

The Wholeness of it All

Grow to Reflect the Light

Grow to Reflect the Light

Sometimes when I write my postings about narcissism, I sense an underlying current of suggestion from others that perhaps I need to stop and reflect on the idea that everyone needs love.

Of course they do.

That is normally not the intent of my narcissist postings- to state the narcissist does not need love. What would be the point of that anyway?

In so many ways, I believe Love is the underpinning of our existence, our Truth, if you will.

The questions of “What’s Love gotta to with it?” is somewhat irrelevant.

Love has everything to do with it.

However, Love is not the only “It”, existing in isolation.

When my stepchildren ask me about their mother and why she does what she does, I tell them that she loves them, however, I also say, she is, at this time, unable to love them effectively as they need.

Does that sound cruel? I don’t know. But I do know, based on their questions, that they already know she does not “love” them effectively. They are only left wondering why.

They want an explanation, a reason to make it all better.

This is what I think we are confronted with- our desire for love to the underpinning of it all, but this is to be tempered with our AWARENESS.

I truly feel that love is not the challenge. Awareness is. Awareness asks us to reflect, to own up, to decide, to create, to destroy, to be strong, to be thoughtful.

Love may be blind. Awareness is not.

Our prayer need not always be “I want to be more loving”. We are already love. What we are seeking is to be more aware.

Guardian Angel

Fire and Flame

Fire and Flame

Born from the fire of life,
you are impervious to being
consumed by its flames.

I like to believe in the idea of Guardian Angels.
Here I pictured a Guardian Angel, shown as a mother figure carrying a child.
Both are depicted as being surrounded by the fire and also are made of the fire.

This is were I see a sense of safety in our lives. If we are born from the power of the fire of life, we can not be consumed by the flames. We can be transformed by the most significant events in our lives, but these events will NEVER consume us.

The key to living freely is to know that life always survives.

Falling

Falling Star

Falling Star

Somewhere a Star falls
into Nothingness

Carrying Your pain with It.

I liked this image. Believing a falling star is falling for you, carrying your pain into nothingness.
There is something liberating about it.
You see a star fall and your realize just how much you can let go.

Narcissists Never Lie

Witness

Witness

Narcissists NEVER lie.
They simply can’t be bothered
to exist in the same reality as you or I.

Narcissists never lie- ever.

They simply do not see reality as you or I do. Their statements can go counter to every shred and example of evidence that you may have, but still the narcissist will boldly proclaim “I am not telling a lie.”

You can even have video-tape evidence with subtitles, and even that will not crack the narcissist’s defense.

The narcissist is not telling lies when he or she defends him or her self in this way.

Any evidence you may have is part of YOUR reality. YOUR reality means nothing to the narcissist- literally nothing.

You may think you share the same space of reality as the narcissist. But you don’t.

The narcissist creates his or her OWN reality and YOU are supposed to understand HIS OR HER REALITY.

Within their self-created reality, narcissists are never telling lies.

It is your job, according to the narcissist, to understand this.

Soul touches Self

Mudra

Mudra


The Dhyana Mudra
completing the infinite circle
in which the Soul comes to touch
itself
with the same compassion
it bestows upon the world.

Interesting little picture. The hands are in the dhyana mudra- one of the more common mudras.
I thought about the unity implied by one hand coming to rest in the other, as if completing a circle.

When we can touch ourselves with even a drop of the infinite compassion we long to express in this world, our Soul comes to recognize itself.

Your Soul does not recognize itself in your rejections, projections, and attempts to control. The Soul already knows what you have come to learn.

Don’t Live the False Projection

Reflection

Reflection


If all the world is but a mirror,
what value do I place upon the reflection?

I am sure we have all heard the saying that our world mirrors us in some ways.

I think this is true, but we are each responsible for having the initiative and awareness for engaging with those reflections that are most aligned with the Higher Truth.

I write this, because recently I found myself (again) caught up with the distorted projections and perceptions of another.

Their projections and perceptions of me are not true, not in the least. YET, I will spend an INORDINATE amount of time trying to “correct” the perceptions.

Really?

The perceptions are false.
They say more about the other person than they do about me.
But, there I am, working merrily along, trying to “show” them they are wrong.

In engaging in this manner, I am giving validity to the projection.

None of us need to live out the false projections of others, who are simply demonstrating their own wounded-ness and sense of lack.

When we attempt to engage with these projections, it never goes well, because the projections are not real and thus have no substance.

In so many ways, others can only tell us about themselves – by the words they choose.

If the world is a mirror, choose wisely what part of that mirror you look into. May it be the shiny, pure portion in which you see your best self.