Willful Mal-Intent

One Leg

One Leg

One trap that can occur when you interact with narcissists is the desire to provide an explanation for the narcissist’s behavior. We simply struggle believing someone can be so calculating, cold, and cruel, so we step in with our “explanations”.

The word you must keep in mind when observing a narcissist’s behavior is the word “intentional”.

The narcissist “forgets” something important to you. It’s intentional.
The narcissist “mistakenly” ignores you. It’s intentional.
The narcissist “unknowingly” creates a chaotic situation. It’s intentional.
The narcissist “unwittingly” neglects responsibility and blames you. It’s intentional.
The narcissist “overlooks” saying thank you for a gift. It’s intentional.
The narcissist “accidentally” destroys something of value to you. It’s intentional.
The narcissist “acts” as if you don’t exist. It’s intentional.
The narcissist “accidentally” hurts you. It’s intentional.

It’s intentional. It’s intentional.

“It’s intentional” should be your mantra. It gets you out of fantasy-land of trying to justify, and God forbid, “understand”.

An update on a previous blog in which my husband’s ex-wife ‘directed” him as to what their son should wear at the piano recital, when she had dressed him in sweatpants and a flannel shirt for the last one.

After issuing her directive, along with a text re-stating the times of my stepson’s and stepdaughter’s performances, she managed to MISS my stepson’s performance.

That is right. She can direct and tell others what to do, while she can not bother showing up on time.

In case you think this may be a small issue, the recital was held in the piano teacher’s home. I was not there (thank goodness. I do not know how I would have held my face together as she bustled in late). And it was obvious to my stepson that his Mom could not be bothered to show.

Oh, wait, she did show up 10 minutes late – AFTER he performed – acting all surprised that she had missed his performance.

Only two words for that- It’s intentional.

I do wonder how it affects an 11- year old boy to have his Mom intentionally miss his performance.


I am not sure about the image. It was my imagining the narcissist’s self-view that he or she is a Bird of Paradise. In actuality, they present more like a head-less, one-legged ostrich, with awareness completely buried in the sand.

A Woman and Her Thoughts

Hostage of Her Thoughts

Hostage of Her Thoughts


She became a hostage to her thoughts.
It was not a look she wore well.

—-
Don’t let this happen to you. Your thoughts and mind are here to serve you- not the other way around. :)

Death by a 1,000 Paper Cuts

shattering

There is always a stimulus before the shattering.

The image above is of an egg sitting on a curved ramp. The quote is a reminder to me that my feelings are the result from a stimulus.

That may be a strange thing to write, but for someone who has experienced a certain level of abuse, there is a loss between stimulus-response conditioning. We become trained to respond “normally” to completely abnormal stimuli and vice versa.

The title of the post refers to interacting with a narcissist/sociopath in some forms. Small, relentless cuts attempt to wear down the soul and spirit. While we are told, “Oh, c’mon, it can’t hurt that much. It’s just a paper cut”.

This posting is not a pity party but a dose of realism of what it can be like to live and experience such willful disregard intended to hurt and harm. Of course, I could be the “bigger” person and deny that any of this matters or better yet, as I have been trained to do, I could put it all on myself and ponder how I had failed, because if I were just a better person, they would love me differently. I must have caused this.

No.

I am the egg on the ramp and if I were to fall and shatter, I will understand that it was not I who pushed myself off. There is a reason for feeling as I do.

And for those who suffer from abuse, such awareness is a hard fought for truth!

Ceremonial Behaviors vs. Authenticity

Points Unconnected

Points Unconnected

I had been kicking around doing a posting on narcissism for the past several days. I think there is always that point at which when has to deal with a narcissist or sociopath over the years that you reach some type of “status quo”- that you have seen and experienced it all.

Although narcissists continually repeat behaviors, as they have such a limited repertoire, you should never fall into complacency with what they may do next. Even if the behaviors do not escalate, there is a sense of exhaustion by repetition.

I came across a phrase recently in an art book I am reading and it simply was this – “ceremonial behaviors vs. authenticity”. I thought to myself- what an outstanding definition of narcissistic behaviors.

Narcissists are all about the pomp, circumstance, and ceremony. They love carrying the bearing of the Grand Poobah of Life and they believe they wear it quite well. What they overplay in ceremony, they completely lack in authenticity.

I remember the other evening when my husband had to give his ex-wife a document (per a court order). He handed it to her in her van while she was waiting outside of our home. In her most superior voice, she said, “What is this for?” When he explained, she threw the document with disgust onto the dash of her car.

Only a 40-something-year old narcissist can attempt to pull off the superior, haughty bitch routine while perched upon her “throne”- a 10- year-old mini-van.

She also directed my husband to make sure his son was dressed nicely for his piano recital. During her time, when she had the child for his recital, he showed up on sweatpants, hiking boots, and a too small flannel shirt. The fact this happened on “her watch” does not cross her mind as she issues her edicts about what others should and should be doing.

We also have the ceremonial interactions with the school, where she plays the role of concerned parent yet refuses to fill out reading logs, sign daily agendas and so on (the authentic part of parenting- surely, in her mind, there must be some minion or two running around who can be assigned this task.)

With a narcissist it is all about the ceremonial behaviors-they often even dress the part and you can sometimes witness a complete change in behavior and physical bearing. Like an actor upon the stage- they attempt to play a certain role, that in their mind, is sure to win them applause. And for a time, it may just do that.

But when it comes to carrying out the role with authenticity, the only thing that resonates with their performance is dead silence.

Compass

Compass

Compass

What is the guide by which you steer the course of your life?

—-
For some reason, this image first appeared to me as compass. The blue figure in the center represents God to me, which lead to the question I listed- by what guide do you steer your life?

We have all experienced the pain, confusion and sense of loss when we unwisely choose the wrong guide.

If you are ever to arrive at your destination, you must choose your compass wisely.