Fall

Silence

Silence

Fall asks us to begin the curl
into ourselves- a reclaiming, if you will-
of the quiescent state in which we re-formulate.

—-
For those of you, like me, who are enjoying the call to move inwardly into quiet inaction may you enjoy this time of Fall.
Slowness can be celebrated, as can a sense of pulling inwards, rather than projecting outwards. We fan the world with our flaming colors before we step back into nothingness.

The “Dollhouse Effect” of Narcissism

Home

Home

I had posted relatively recently a surprising interaction with my husband’s ex-wife, who I believe has narcissistic tendencies.

In the phone call exchange that I overheard, she asked him. “What was Kim doing talking with another mother?”

As I wrote previously, this “another mother” had called me in regards to a situation. I then returned the favor and called her in regards to another situation she needed to be informed about.

My husband’s ex-wife floored me at first. I could not believe someone was so clueless as to not realize that there is a whole network of communication around each of us. None of us live in a bubble. Then, I remembered she saw the world through the eyes of narcissism.

To her, we are all flat, one-dimensional doll figures that exist in her world to be subject to her manipulations, much like a doll is a one-dimensional object, simply present to fulfill a child’s projections at that moment.

The child has sole control over such a doll. The doll can be “good” one day and very “bad” the next. The doll can be a friend, a child, a baby, a student, and so on- depending on the child’s imagination. The doll simply exists where ever the child places it.

I realized that this is how a narcissist treats all those who “interact” with them in life. Narcissists never see us as complete, whole people in our entirety with a range of strengths, weaknesses, emotions, behaviors and thoughts of our own.

No, we are simply the “dolls” of their lives, with a role only assigned by them.

When my husband’s ex-wife expressed surprise that myself and this other mother had spoken (without the ex-wife’s awareness), I realized we were the doll figures in her life and she was surprised, because in her mind, she had never placed both these “dolls” in the same room of her delusional, “life is like a dollhouse” world.

She could not envision we would talk, because in her controlling world, she never would have placed us in the same room of the dollhouse. If we weren’t in the same room of her dollhouse, then there would be no possible way for us to communicate.

Children will do this when they play with dolls. They will completely create worlds and partition who gets to interact and who does not get to interact. They are the maestros and they control it all.

Narcissists never out grow childhood. They see us all as the dolls of the dollhouse world in which they have ultimate control- regulating who goes where and when, who interacts with who and why, and so on.

As a child eventually learns, there is a whole real world beyond a dollhouse and the child’s imagination. The delight in life is in interacting with the newness and evolvement of things beyond your control.

Too bad, narcissists never learn this. They are always shocked when they receive the message “This ‘doll’ has a life and won’t be living in your dollhouse anymore.”

They never understand we were only doll-like in their minds, never our own.

The Most Vulnerable Point

Birthing

Birthing

The most difficult time of any transition-
Light of Divinity crosses your sky
and what you once only thought in a moment’s hesitation
now manifests into Life.


I think we all have many desires we would like to manifest in our lives. I do not believe coming up with such desires is a difficult task, nor do I think the initial setting about to obtain these desires is all that difficult either.

What I find most pressing and the point at which I may still reverse course is when the desire may actually in fact manifest.

We have been looking at the possibility of getting a new home. As I have related the story to friends and family, my comment has always been “Well, we will see.” Several responses back have been “What is there to ‘see” about? I thought you found the house and you have been approved.”

Well, yes, of course that is true, but I am on the edge of where things are moving from idea to actuality, symbolically where Divinity touches the horizon of our lives, and I am hedging.

It is one thing to imagine, to plan, to hope, and to wish. All of these serve their purpose, and their purpose is to get us to the edge where we will, yes, finally embrace a new manifestation.

The new manifestation can take many forms- exiting a bad relationship, losing weight, beginning to exercise, lessening one’s anger, getting a new job, completion of a major project and so on.

Our thoughts orient us in the proper direction and work to pull the Divine energy towards us.

And then the most vulnerable moment arises- the “Oh, this could be real” moment.

The moment that always causes us to pause a bit, and almost turn our backs towards the Light. I think, instead, we must be brave enough to look full-on and face our most cherished desires at the key point in which they will manifest.

At that moment, we are in the birthing process, bringing the new into life, and like any birth- it must be greeted with open arms, not cowering in the darkness.

Why Narcissists must be so “Special”

The Queen's Conundrum

The Queen’s Conundrum

Narcissists must always be considered “so special” for one simple reason- they really, really suck at being “normal”.

I realize our definitions of “normal” all vary.

However, when you look at narcissists and how they “try” to interact with the world, you realize they are pretty far left of center on the bell-shaped curve of the behaviors, emotions, and responses many people, who are maturing, evolving, and growing, are working towards.

I wonder sometimes, if after failing so abysmally at the life and interactions we all so enjoy and freely and openly participate in, the narcissist in some type of default mechanism doesn’t just begin to declare that “normal” is “wrong” and begin to self-define as “special”, i.e.- apart from “normal”.

Basically, in a reverse of “If you can’t beat them, then join them.”, the narcissist decides, “If you can’t join them, then act superior to them.”

Because in so many ways, the narcissist can not join “normal”. They simply do not have the skill set to do so.

When I observe narcissists and see how they “try” to act normal, you can see, painfully, it is all an act. At some point, I think the narcissist just gives up trying. They have no authentic way to engage with “normal” so they are left creating their delusional worlds, where only they live.

The say no man is an island. I would say that is true, unless the man lives with the mind of a narcissist.

The Particle in the Wave

Dragon

Dragon

Often, life feels a bit like a continuum. We feel strands of the past leading to the present into the future, unbroken. We are present and riding the wave of creation of our lives.

And, then there are the times that the wave shows its other form- the particle – and we are touched by a punctuated moment that will mark our lives into “before” and “after”.

The “talk” I had blogged about (and blogged about…and blogged about… :) ) is now over.

And it has become a “before” and “after” moment for me. This talk showed me how far I had come in my own personal life, as well as my ability to perform as a professional, apart from typical academia.

I was the one giving the talk, but I was also the one receiving so much.

Moments exist in everyone’s lives in which a symbolic mirror is held up for us, providing a chance to “see” the particle we are apart from the wave.

And this is the gift of these mirrors- if we are brave enough to look and acknowledge what we see.

We can not hope to change our lives, to be different, to live differently and then simply slide by the moments which show us these exact things.

If we are truly to evolve and desire to bring forth something anew in our lives, who are we to not acknowledge when these things occur? How can we ever feel “rebirthed” if the rebirthing moments are never noted by ourselves?

My life will be different for having given this talk. How do I know this? Because I saw it mirrored back to me in my performance of the talk. I saw myself in a different state than I ever had before.

That was the gift.

I wanted to thank so many of you for your encouragement and support as I wrote about giving this talk :) To feel such confidence in my abilities was amazing. I have been asked to give the talk again, videos have been requested by those who heard about it, several people suggested I do a TED or TEDx talk, and what touched me most is the phone calls asking about my next speaking dates by those who heard the talk, because they want to pass along the information to others.


As for the art work today- what can I say? I had smeared some pastels around and the shape of a “dragon” head emerged as did some fish leaping out of water? Dragons and fish are very symbolic, so I will definitely honor their energies. And, then, for some reason, I thought “hey, what this needs is a giant palm tree-like structure in the background :) ).

Who is to say why it came out this way, but I will say, my stepson loves it.

If it has to be…

It has to be

It has to be

…then let it be me.

—-
The long-awaited talk ( I am so sure you are sick of this subject :) ) occurs tomorrow at noon. Art and words are my inspiration and my solace.
So, I went to my studio and for the first time in a long time drew something directly. The above picture is what formed. If I have to give a major talk, I want to be this figure- poised, powerful, and filled with heart.

I also like to come up with mantras for situations in life (because, who doesn’t ? :) ). And the one I came up with today was simply, “If it has to be, let it be me.”

Meaning- if this talk is meant to be given, if it is meant to be- then, please let it be me, the one to give it.

I wonder how many of us confront situations in life in which we are the ones chosen to handle them. What a blessing – if only we can see it.

When the Narcissist goes All “Air Traffic Controller” on You

Narcissists are all about control- especially when it comes to their image.
Great works of art and literature have received less time and energy in their creation than a narcissist’s self image when a narcissist is in full-on “image control” mode.

One way narcissists “work on” their image is not by doing something tangible and real in the world that would add a positive aspect. They tend to think such ideas are ridiculous and fruitless, because they are already perfect, wonderful, delightful, smart, kind, aware, compassionate- seriously, what more could they possibly have to do?

We should ALL know this about them, right?

And because narcissists live in such a self-created, delusional world- it tends to take a toll on them. To lie, constantly, is EXHAUSTING. Yet, this is a narcissist’s life.

As they have no real energy with which to create, other than the creation of lies, narcissists have no ability to contribute in a real and substantial manner in the lives of others. We all know this.

WE ALL KNOW THIS.

And it scares the f*** out of the narcissist. So, being narcissistic with a head filled with grandeur, the narcissist’s approach is not to change his or her behavior and try to participate in life in a real and practical manner. Oh, no. That would be too easy and make too much sense. (Those of you who engage with a narcissist know that “easy” is not a descriptor for this group.)

Instead narcissist’s spend time and energy in what I refer to as “Air Traffic Control” mode. In order to protect their image and hide their ridiculous, self-serving behaviors (rather than addressing these behaviors) the narcissist, with a sense of dedication and energy that would rival the FAA, begin to “coordinate”(read, control) the engagement patterns of those in their lives.

Narcissists will begin to regulate who is allowed to talk to one another. They will control who can land (engage with one another) where and when such landings can take place. They will divert flights (potential engagements) when they don’t want people to interact. They will ground flights and declare “NO Contact” with certain parties. They will place flights (conversations) in holding patterns – for eternity- continuing conversation cycles into ridiculous, never-ending patterns.

I experienced this recently. A particular mother called me this past weekend to speak about a situation she had encountered with my husband’s ex-wife. In a sense, she was just one mom reaching out to another (or in my case, one mom reaching out to the stepmom). I had known this woman for some time in passing, but this was one of our first real conversations.

We had a great talk. Then, later this week, another situation came about, and I had to call this woman, again, just one stepmom to a mom. Not a big deal.

That is- until my husband’s ex-wife, the narcissist, went into “Air Traffic Controller” mode. She, literally, called up my husband, and said, “What is Kim doing calling this other Mom?!”

Oh, you, silly, silly narcissist. You are so clueless and detached, you don’t even see others running flight pattern circles all around you, working around your ridiculous scenarios and lies, as we truly try to engage in life with sincerity, compassion and insight.

How dare I call this other Mom? Well, the joke is on you, dear narcissist. This other mother had called me first- all because of you. Did you not notice us circling about on your “flight control screen”, or were you too busy living in your fantasy world?

Light in the Dark

Pushing Through

Pushing Through

Where there was to be union, I felt isolation
Where there was to be joy, I suffered panic
Where there was to be hope, I sat in fear

Darkness settled

Until I heard the sound,
The remarkably, steady beat of

My light-filled heart, pushing through
the heaviness, powered solely by belief.

————-

As I have sat and worried about some things as of late, as I have wondered how I was supposed to succeed, I questioned how I got “here” and how I came to feel so “off” about everything.

And I came to understand, I had forgotten to take my greatest power with me on this journey- my light-filled heart, powered by belief.

Life will always present us challenges, and for these we may or may not feel fully prepared. But, we do ourselves no good service when we refuse to take along our greatest strengths on these journeys.

I have always had a heart filled with belief. How could I ever forget it also believed in me?

There it has always been, chugging along through the heaviest of my darkest thoughts, shining a bit of light so I could see my way.

My prayer for today is may I be wise enough to turn towards this beautiful, light-filled strength, and in doing so, turn my back upon the darkness.

Who is in Charge here?

whoisincharge

I was sent a coffee mug recently by my wonderful sister. The mug was in the shape of a red fox- one of my favorite totems. Then an actual red fox appeared a morning later, standing on the sidewalk, glancing into our windows, wary of our dog (who I am sad to say, I don’ think even noticed the fox).

In some cultures, the fox symbolizes the “trickster”. It can also symbolize cunning, change, and an awareness of doing things in a new way.

Then, came my art, various pastels laid down, and I saw this “fox” shape emerge, with a person either riding this giant fox or conjuring up the fox energy herself.

Who is in charge here?- the picture asks me.

I want to be “in charge”, yet, things are taking on a momentum and rhythm that are unfamiliar to me.

As many of you know, I am giving a talk next week. The ripples seem to be expanding outwards, while I try to contain it. Someone has already wanted to book me to do this talk in January at a another venue.

The attention is good in some ways, yet, I am realizing what this talk takes out of me. The talk is on the Power of a Woman’s Body, based off some thesis work I had done. It is one thing to talk to relative strangers about work based on a thesis, and quite another to be speaking in front of colleagues, people from the local community and so on.

I am not sure if I had thought ahead enough to imagine what it would be like to discuss the clitoris and what it represents symbolically to me to a group of my co-workers.

The word “awkward” come to mind. Yet, there must be something in this talk that somehow resonates with people. It has a life of its own, and perhaps I am only to be the messenger.

Even my normal prep “style” has been disrupted. When I was asked to give the keynote address at my graduation, my preparation involved crafting the talk and then asking my husband every day for the 88 days leading up to the talk “DO you think my talk will go well?”.

Considering this talk is much longer, with much less prep time (I have only had time to compulsively ask him if he thinks it would go well about 5 times) I feel my normal “must control all aspects” is lacking.

So, I went back to my art work, and asked my art to show my something about this talk that I would need. And the image below appeared.

Sheltered

Sheltered

I am the image in the back, being sheltered by the large Angel.

We never know how our journey will unfold, and we may resist the awakening contained, but somehow we must find ourselves to trust that we are not being left alone.

I guess I am realizing I can do this talk, but perhaps, as a new way of thinking (fox) I need to come to the awareness that I am not doing this on my own.

As I wrote this, I realize this is a great deal about my personal situation. Although the details may differ, I hope it also resonates with some of you as your own journeys unfold- sometimes in ways you can anticipate and sometimes in ways that surprise you- regardless, may you never envision yourself alone.