Sometimes You Just have to Celebrate

Love

Love

Sometimes you just have to celebrate the good stuff. :)

We can get so caught up in analysis, working on things, planning, projecting, anticipating, improving and on and on and on….

we can miss what we already have.

I have been given the gift of a great marriage to a really wonderful man. Yes, we have our “moments” but 90% of the time it is really, really good. The picture above is of myself and my husband about a month ago at an outdoor concert. The best part of being married to him is that I really enjoy doing these types of things with him.

Before I got married at the ripe ol’ age of 37, I had taken a few years “break” from dating. I had made one promise to myself (which I continue to repeat to my stepdaughter as she matures and begins to think about dating) that I would not date any man who acted like a jerk.

That is it- an entire relationship dynamic reduced to one, bottom-line point.

And it worked.

So despite all my ramblings about any number of topics, hopes, dreams, and insights, I just wanted to take one moment to simply be grateful for what already is present in my life.

Sometimes, you just have to celebrate what you already have.

The View of the Narcissist

Free Advice

Free Advice

Dear Narcissist,

I am sick of you and your conniving, scheming ways.

I am sick of your “elastic” view of time. Things that happened years ago, you throw in my face as if I had done the act minutes ago.

“Never forgive and always retain” has always been your motto for the “failures” of others.

Your transgressions, of course, are never remembered, because in your mind, there is always, always a reason of why you said and acted as you did. Thus, you have never once transgressed another.

I am tired of your meandering, exploitative comments and conversations.

Oh, God, if I had penny for every minute I had to listen to your convoluted stories of your “suffering” in regards to any number of persons, places, things, and objects which have wronged you.

I am equally sick of your ridiculous, self-serving, condescending words and gestures that “explain” your behaviors.

We have a word for these delusionally-crafted, whimsical tales- and the word is “lies”.

I am beyond sick and tired of not only the lies but your subsequent belief that I should (of course) completely believe all of these lies despite mounds of evidence to the contrary. And then labeling me as “stupid” when I “fail to get it.”

Oh, dear Narcissist, I get it. I truly do. And that is something that gets under your skin at the most visceral level-

I see you, I truly do.

And this, dear narcissist, is where we stand.

I know you.

And you in your narcissistic, conniving, encapsulating ways are doing everything you can to have me put my blinders on again.

Blinded once, but now I see.

What are you going to do, dear narcissist, what are you going to do to change my vision of you?

And here we come to the point of your consuming rage- something that you likely learned about yourself so long ago in the contemplative pit of darkness that you call home-

there truly is no changing you, dear narcissist.

And that is why you will move heaven and earth with rage and fear to change those in your sphere.

Where many of us work with hope and optimism, as we should, trusting in our potential to change for the better- you are stuck with you, and that, dear narcissist, must be the thought that makes you most sick and tired.

You are you, and there you are.

What fear must come upon you when you realize it will be only you who can not take a step forward beyond your current state?

Growth and change, so unavailable to you, has you tilting at windmills trying to change those around you – because they have the gift – the one you know that will never be yours- the sacred belief and expression in the ability to change.

While you, my dear narcissist, will remain exactly where you first claimed, with eyes blinded to change.

Fall

Silence

Silence

Fall asks us to begin the curl
into ourselves- a reclaiming, if you will-
of the quiescent state in which we re-formulate.

—-
For those of you, like me, who are enjoying the call to move inwardly into quiet inaction may you enjoy this time of Fall.
Slowness can be celebrated, as can a sense of pulling inwards, rather than projecting outwards. We fan the world with our flaming colors before we step back into nothingness.

The “Dollhouse Effect” of Narcissism

Home

Home

I had posted relatively recently a surprising interaction with my husband’s ex-wife, who I believe has narcissistic tendencies.

In the phone call exchange that I overheard, she asked him. “What was Kim doing talking with another mother?”

As I wrote previously, this “another mother” had called me in regards to a situation. I then returned the favor and called her in regards to another situation she needed to be informed about.

My husband’s ex-wife floored me at first. I could not believe someone was so clueless as to not realize that there is a whole network of communication around each of us. None of us live in a bubble. Then, I remembered she saw the world through the eyes of narcissism.

To her, we are all flat, one-dimensional doll figures that exist in her world to be subject to her manipulations, much like a doll is a one-dimensional object, simply present to fulfill a child’s projections at that moment.

The child has sole control over such a doll. The doll can be “good” one day and very “bad” the next. The doll can be a friend, a child, a baby, a student, and so on- depending on the child’s imagination. The doll simply exists where ever the child places it.

I realized that this is how a narcissist treats all those who “interact” with them in life. Narcissists never see us as complete, whole people in our entirety with a range of strengths, weaknesses, emotions, behaviors and thoughts of our own.

No, we are simply the “dolls” of their lives, with a role only assigned by them.

When my husband’s ex-wife expressed surprise that myself and this other mother had spoken (without the ex-wife’s awareness), I realized we were the doll figures in her life and she was surprised, because in her mind, she had never placed both these “dolls” in the same room of her delusional, “life is like a dollhouse” world.

She could not envision we would talk, because in her controlling world, she never would have placed us in the same room of the dollhouse. If we weren’t in the same room of her dollhouse, then there would be no possible way for us to communicate.

Children will do this when they play with dolls. They will completely create worlds and partition who gets to interact and who does not get to interact. They are the maestros and they control it all.

Narcissists never out grow childhood. They see us all as the dolls of the dollhouse world in which they have ultimate control- regulating who goes where and when, who interacts with who and why, and so on.

As a child eventually learns, there is a whole real world beyond a dollhouse and the child’s imagination. The delight in life is in interacting with the newness and evolvement of things beyond your control.

Too bad, narcissists never learn this. They are always shocked when they receive the message “This ‘doll’ has a life and won’t be living in your dollhouse anymore.”

They never understand we were only doll-like in their minds, never our own.

The Most Vulnerable Point

Birthing

Birthing

The most difficult time of any transition-
Light of Divinity crosses your sky
and what you once only thought in a moment’s hesitation
now manifests into Life.


I think we all have many desires we would like to manifest in our lives. I do not believe coming up with such desires is a difficult task, nor do I think the initial setting about to obtain these desires is all that difficult either.

What I find most pressing and the point at which I may still reverse course is when the desire may actually in fact manifest.

We have been looking at the possibility of getting a new home. As I have related the story to friends and family, my comment has always been “Well, we will see.” Several responses back have been “What is there to ‘see” about? I thought you found the house and you have been approved.”

Well, yes, of course that is true, but I am on the edge of where things are moving from idea to actuality, symbolically where Divinity touches the horizon of our lives, and I am hedging.

It is one thing to imagine, to plan, to hope, and to wish. All of these serve their purpose, and their purpose is to get us to the edge where we will, yes, finally embrace a new manifestation.

The new manifestation can take many forms- exiting a bad relationship, losing weight, beginning to exercise, lessening one’s anger, getting a new job, completion of a major project and so on.

Our thoughts orient us in the proper direction and work to pull the Divine energy towards us.

And then the most vulnerable moment arises- the “Oh, this could be real” moment.

The moment that always causes us to pause a bit, and almost turn our backs towards the Light. I think, instead, we must be brave enough to look full-on and face our most cherished desires at the key point in which they will manifest.

At that moment, we are in the birthing process, bringing the new into life, and like any birth- it must be greeted with open arms, not cowering in the darkness.

Why Narcissists must be so “Special”

The Queen's Conundrum

The Queen’s Conundrum

Narcissists must always be considered “so special” for one simple reason- they really, really suck at being “normal”.

I realize our definitions of “normal” all vary.

However, when you look at narcissists and how they “try” to interact with the world, you realize they are pretty far left of center on the bell-shaped curve of the behaviors, emotions, and responses many people, who are maturing, evolving, and growing, are working towards.

I wonder sometimes, if after failing so abysmally at the life and interactions we all so enjoy and freely and openly participate in, the narcissist in some type of default mechanism doesn’t just begin to declare that “normal” is “wrong” and begin to self-define as “special”, i.e.- apart from “normal”.

Basically, in a reverse of “If you can’t beat them, then join them.”, the narcissist decides, “If you can’t join them, then act superior to them.”

Because in so many ways, the narcissist can not join “normal”. They simply do not have the skill set to do so.

When I observe narcissists and see how they “try” to act normal, you can see, painfully, it is all an act. At some point, I think the narcissist just gives up trying. They have no authentic way to engage with “normal” so they are left creating their delusional worlds, where only they live.

The say no man is an island. I would say that is true, unless the man lives with the mind of a narcissist.

The Particle in the Wave

Dragon

Dragon

Often, life feels a bit like a continuum. We feel strands of the past leading to the present into the future, unbroken. We are present and riding the wave of creation of our lives.

And, then there are the times that the wave shows its other form- the particle – and we are touched by a punctuated moment that will mark our lives into “before” and “after”.

The “talk” I had blogged about (and blogged about…and blogged about… :) ) is now over.

And it has become a “before” and “after” moment for me. This talk showed me how far I had come in my own personal life, as well as my ability to perform as a professional, apart from typical academia.

I was the one giving the talk, but I was also the one receiving so much.

Moments exist in everyone’s lives in which a symbolic mirror is held up for us, providing a chance to “see” the particle we are apart from the wave.

And this is the gift of these mirrors- if we are brave enough to look and acknowledge what we see.

We can not hope to change our lives, to be different, to live differently and then simply slide by the moments which show us these exact things.

If we are truly to evolve and desire to bring forth something anew in our lives, who are we to not acknowledge when these things occur? How can we ever feel “rebirthed” if the rebirthing moments are never noted by ourselves?

My life will be different for having given this talk. How do I know this? Because I saw it mirrored back to me in my performance of the talk. I saw myself in a different state than I ever had before.

That was the gift.

I wanted to thank so many of you for your encouragement and support as I wrote about giving this talk :) To feel such confidence in my abilities was amazing. I have been asked to give the talk again, videos have been requested by those who heard about it, several people suggested I do a TED or TEDx talk, and what touched me most is the phone calls asking about my next speaking dates by those who heard the talk, because they want to pass along the information to others.


As for the art work today- what can I say? I had smeared some pastels around and the shape of a “dragon” head emerged as did some fish leaping out of water? Dragons and fish are very symbolic, so I will definitely honor their energies. And, then, for some reason, I thought “hey, what this needs is a giant palm tree-like structure in the background :) ).

Who is to say why it came out this way, but I will say, my stepson loves it.

If it has to be…

It has to be

It has to be

…then let it be me.

—-
The long-awaited talk ( I am so sure you are sick of this subject :) ) occurs tomorrow at noon. Art and words are my inspiration and my solace.
So, I went to my studio and for the first time in a long time drew something directly. The above picture is what formed. If I have to give a major talk, I want to be this figure- poised, powerful, and filled with heart.

I also like to come up with mantras for situations in life (because, who doesn’t ? :) ). And the one I came up with today was simply, “If it has to be, let it be me.”

Meaning- if this talk is meant to be given, if it is meant to be- then, please let it be me, the one to give it.

I wonder how many of us confront situations in life in which we are the ones chosen to handle them. What a blessing – if only we can see it.