A friend recently commented that my blog and art are really where I tell my truth. I liked that sentiment. (Her comment also made me feel good about myself and my work. It’s the primary reason I keep this friend in my life…so I feel good about myself :) ).
Have you recently felt a certain energy of awareness in your life? I wonder if so many of us are in the middle of a spiritual awakening or something. The resonance I have felt with reading many of your blogs and your comments on mine has been amazing.
Recently, there was a blog written about the Parents of Narcissists. This blog is excellent and has helped me a great deal.
The author commented to me that the blog topic may have meaning to me given my situation ( I see my stepkids mother has narcissistic behaviors (in my mind)). I have often refrained from commenting on my stepkids in relation to this issue out of respect for them.
However, I am seeing a dynamic develop that very much applies to narcissistic relationships in general.
My stepson has always struggled in school. Accordingly, he is enrolled in summer school this year. He was with his mother during the first two weeks of it and then was at our home while I was traveling.
When I returned, I saw his summer school folder. A reading log was in the folder. For the first week, nothing was filled out. The teacher, ever hopeful, was not deterred however.
The second week nothing was filled out prompting the teacher to make such comments on the log such as “Where are you?” “Could you please catch up?” “Time to catch up.”
I said to my stepson, “Looks like the ball was being dropped a bit here.”
He became very angry and started screaming at me. I will spare the details, but the issue confronting him is that really neither he nor his parents are participating in his schooling any more.
However, to admit that is too painful, hence the onslaught of lies. I would never say my stepson is a narcissist, so please don’t misread this. But, what I learned is this:
At a certain point, unless you are willing to lie as your only form of engagement, you will be required to exit the narcissist’s life.
It really is as simple as that. Because the narcissist crafts so many lies, lives in such denial, and with a vengeance and rage that is truly frightening, will defend these lies, there is simply no place for you in the narcissist’s life unless you are willing to lie.
For example, in his current state, I can not help my stepson with homework. The homework is not real to him. He has crafted so many lies around it (along with his parents’ consent) that there is no homework issue in which to engage.
The only way I could work with him is to first believe his lies that he has been working hard and so on.
I only share this story, not to point fingers at my stepson, but to perhaps help others.
In some cases, we truly have loved someone with narcissistic tendencies (again, I am not saying this about my stepson, just a general comment) and we have wanted to make it “work”.
We have believed our love would triumph all. We believed in our strategies and our compassion to overcome the narcissistic behaviors. We thought with awareness we could limit their impact and “work around” them.
And in doing this, we have lied to ourselves.
When a narcissist is full-bent on spinning a web of lies, there is no space for you unless you are willing to lie.
YOu may think with your growing awareness that you will be able to provide the light and you only fool yourself.
If you are to commit to a narcissist, you commit to the lies. There is no other way.
And if you awareness grows to the point in which you can not buy the lies, then you will come to place of knowing there is no space for you in the relationship and you will leave- either symbolically or literally.
You have not failed your relationship with a narcissist. There simply was not a space for you amongst the lies and you, in your wisdom, chose to live life otherwise.