The Trapped Narcissist or Sociopath…Keep Your Hands and Your Hopes Out of the Cage!

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The gilded, golden cage- don’t let it fool you.

Narcissists and sociopaths are about one primary thing- winning.

They are not into “win-win” type of victories, as many of us are. They are not even aware of anyone besides themselves and their own needs. Thus, there can be no “win-win” when you are only considering the victories of one.

Maybe you have gotten smart. You have read your books. You have talked to your friends. You have shed your tears. You have wised up, tightened up, drawn your lines, erected your boundaries, armored up, placed your narcissist or sociopath in a locked cage thrown away the key – and wait…what is this…

… the narcissist or sociopath seems to be responding to your signals. After all these years and all this time, they are seemingly…nicer, more aware… can you dare hope?

No. You can not.

Let me tell you what is happening. The narcissist or sociopath is still playing to WIN- and let’s not forget it is not “win-win”. You have no place in his or her victory- EVER.

Being a narcissist or a sociopath is all about surviving and in this arena, these individuals are not stupid. They play this game better than you or I ever will (why? because we have the additional burden of actually thinking about and caring about others.)

When you have drawn firm lines with a narcissist or sociopath – you will encounter, first, mind-blowing rage. Think “firestorm” and then add fuel to it. But what if this doesn’t work for them. Do you really think the narcissist or sociopath will insist on a path that is not working? No. Remember they are driven by winning and surviving.

Let us say you have built a cage around your narcissist or sociopath. You have contained them and their influence in your life (or so you believe). Let us even say you have electrified the bars of that cage for good measure. Do you think they will throw themselves against the electrified bars of your boundaries in some type of dramatic self-sacrifice? Never.

They will bide their time. Slowly. Outwardly calm. They will actually pretend to sit in the cage of your made-up boundaries and rules and they will act like they want to play nice- very nice- until you get close enough to let them touch you.

You see, when you are solid in your boundaries (or better yet, stop engaging with a narcissist or sociopath completely) and they receive a little shock from brushing up against it- they will back away. Remember their survival is paramount, self-sacrifice is not. They will learn- “ah, that is a boundary, I must not go there”. But, they will also learn to wait until you trust again -until you trust enough to take down the electrified boundary. They will test again and again until there is an opening.

When you have finally put your narcissist or sociopath in a cage, keep the bars well-fortified and electrified. They are not sitting in the cage thinking of great ways to truly make you feel better. They are only thinking one thing- how in the hell do I get out of here and who is going to pay when I do?

When you are finally strong enough to set boundaries with these types, be smart enough to keep your hands and your hopes out of the cage you had to create for them. There are many people who deserve your best love, care, and hope in this world. Narcissists and sociopaths are not one of them.

May you please, please stop the Abuse of Yourself- You are such a Gift to this World, why would you Harm Yourself?

Egg of Being in God's Eye

Egg of Being in God’s Eye

Abuse of the Self

What if God said to you “Please, please stop abusing yourself.”
Would you even know what it would mean?

What if the egg of conception were literal and metaphorical?

What if when the eye of God looks upon you-
an egg of Light and Being is all the vision sees?

What if the is egg were shattered?
How would God feel?

Yet, we take our eggs and with malicious maltreatment
still expect them to survive

We will starve ourselves, drink ourselves, drug ourselves,
exercise ourselves, sex ourselves into oblivion

We believe then we will not feel – nothing-
no pain, no sense, no emotion- and we believe we are free

I believe God would disagree- all we do is crack
the shells of our enlightened Being upon the stakes of insanity

But even this God can not comprehend
Because God made you to be fragile

Not weak, but fragile. You were created to feel,
to breath, to trust, to hope, and to enjoy

The Divine light within you can not be covered up
God only wonders why it takes you so long

To realize that you do not need to hurt yourself
as a way to free yourself

God only wishes you would treat yourself
with the care and compassion of the deserving

Light, love, warmth, beauty are within you
Why would you ever harm such a Being as You?

—–
One of the things that has frequently worried me in life is witnessing that one of the primary “coping” mechanisms of those who have been abused is to turn to self-abuse. (Often, the other option is to perpetuate abuse onto others.)

For those who have been abused, the constant threat of abuse and recovery sets up a pattern in the brain in which this cycle is seen as “normal”. Even when the abuser is removed from one’s life, the tendency to fall into this cycle remains for the one abused.

Self-abuse can take many, many forms- overeating, over-exercising, drinking too much, compulsive sex, ignition of situations to cause pain to one’s self, self-sabotage and denial, drug abuse, abusing one’s health and so on.

Self-abuse is a walking billboard for the pain inside. Because the pain of abuse was never handled directly, it rears its head again and again wanting solace and understanding and compassion. For those who have been abused, these are very difficult sentiments to produce in relation to one’s self.

Only recently did I have even one bit of success in this area. It may seem like such a small triumph, but damn! I am proud. During a hellacious week the stepkids, I was exhausted after work, I did not want to go home, though. I was so tired I could walk into walls.

My normal self-abusing response would be to exercise!! To exercise my body to such a point where I feel nothing. I have come to realize though, that this punishing form of exercise is just self-abuse covered in a society-accepted compulsive activity.

Instead on this day, I stopped by the grocery store to pick up some nutritious food for myself. I wanted to TAKE CARE of myself, not abuse myself.

From the grocery store parking lot, I even called my sister to report my triumph!

Maybe we do not need to be as tough as we think we need to be. Perhaps when God made us, it was with the understanding of just how fragile we each are. Such pain of abuse has already been laid upon so many of us, and it may simply pain God more to see us ignore our own sensitivities to abuse ourselves even more.

If you are abusing yourself in any way, please try to stop. You can not change your past, but you can also not even one second change what is truly yours-

You, yes you, are a brilliant, powerful embodiment of all that is right in this world. You, born with the mark of divinity upon you, are the blessing of this world.

You can heal Yourself because of One Reason- and this reason You must come to Understand

Spirit Within

Spirit Within

Long ago did you hear the stories
of pain, loss, and injury

And did you believe?
Did you believe with all your heart-

That you, too, were one of the injured?
This could be true…this could be true…

Now hear a different story-
one of Love to overcome the loss

There is a part of You, yes You,
that has never once been injured

A part of you that has never
been hurt, harmed, or abused

With the freedom only known to the injury-free,
Your Spirit is your guide to healing

In the vision of Your Spirit, you are not identified
by your injury, illness, abuse and traumas

For these, your Spirit has no eyes
Sensing with the vision of Divinity

The Spirit only sees you as Wholeness
in Divine completion

From the bondage of your own vision of limitation
As you seek healing, Spirit simply claims

That you are beyond such injury
And this sense of your Self-

finally sets your healing free.

——
You have a tremendous ability to heal your life and yourself. Your capacity to undertake this task is actually limitless. And it all occurs for this one simple reason- Your Spirit has never been harmed, hurt, abused, traumatized or injured.

This part of you that has never known injury, illness or abuse is the part you call upon to heal yourself.

You can not heal a wound by staying in the wounded state. Healing occurs when one moves beyond the wound, sensing it as a passageway only to access our Divine right- to be healthy and whole.

You may see yourself and identify yourself with your injuries, illnesses, abuses and traumas. Your Spirit sees no such thing. Having never experienced such limitation itself, your Spirit only sees your Divine right to healing.

And it this beautiful Spirit that is your true healing gift. If you have been traumatized, abused (or have abused yourself), ill or injured, have you ever marveled at your ability to heal? Where does this healing come from for a people who have lived for so long with the thoughts of illness and more forever at the door?

When someone hits “rock bottom”, when someone is so injured and traumatized the human mind contemplates how to continue – one thing heals it all- Spirit, the part that has never known such injury.

A common Error…We know the Truth and then Spend Hours on the Lies

I See My Own Truth

I See My Own Truth


I don’t know your view of Heaven. I am not even sure I know my own. But, I frequently make the joke that in Heaven, if one’s life is laid before one’s self, I never want to see an accounting of all the money I have spent on Diet Coke.

A very small issue, I know, but I am sure I would be appalled at the income I have given to vending machines and convenience stores throughout my time to purchase this beverage with absolutely no nutritional value.

Along the same vein, but on a more serious note, is an epiphany I had recently- how much time I have spent on the lies of others.

The Truth simply is. We do not need to defend it, color it, attempt to hide it, reveal it, or modify it in any way. The Truth can stand on its own.

I know this, but I now also know how many literal hours I have spent on the lies of others.

My best example of this is my role as stepmother. For at least 2 years, lies were told about me. The lies included what a mean person I was, how the kids hated me, how the kids were fearful of me, how no one could ever like me, etc.

You know, I did not buy into these lies. But, I did make a fatal mistake. I tried to convince others who were telling these lies that their lies were not the truth.

I wasted hours on my scheme of conviction. I came up with examples, explanations, scenarios, dramatic re-enactments all to show them the truth – which was simply this- I am a loving stepmom. I make mistakes, of course, but making a mistake does not indicate a lack of love.

Whenever you are caught in a situation of lies, please don’t make the mistake I did. Stand your ground, for sure, but trust in the Truth. The Truth is there, whether others can see it or not.

If others are hell-bent on telling lies about you, because of their own weakness, delusions, or insanity, you do not have to spend hours trying to change their views (because most likely they will not change them anyway).

An important point to note, the person telling the lies is very, very invested in these lies. They will expend an inordinate amount of time defending, harassing, demanding of others all to get support for their lies.

Why? Do they think they are they right? May be, may be not.

The fact is they must spend so much time, energy and engagement on the lie, because the lie is NOT the Truth. A lie can never stand on its own. It must be fed, cared for, and paid the utmost attention, because it is not real. Without this time and energy invested, the lie falls apart, a deflated projection, prostrating its self before the Truth.

When we try to counteract these lies, we are actually playing into the hands of the liars. We are giving time and energy to things which are not even real.

I read many blogs about abusers, sociopaths, and narcissists. They are the ultimate liars and we have spent too much time on their acts of ridiculousness and their absurd lies.

Know yourself and Know your Truth. Trust that who and what you are can stand on its Own. You do not need to waste hours of time counteracting the insanity of others.

Your time and energy are needed elsewhere- loving your life and all the blessings you have been given. Let others live in the darkness of their lies, knowing your Truth and its light prevents such darkness from remaining in your Life.

God Spoke and You are the Chosen One

Holding Strong

Holding Strong

What if for today, we pretend?

We pretend that on today God spoke and You, yes You, were the chosen One.

No more excuses. No more longing. No more wishful thinking. No more insane world creating.

God spoke and You, yes You, were the choice.

Only it is not just for today. The choice was made before the Heavens were bent to give the sky.

God chose you to be You.

Now only if you would do the same and choose yourself.

The world is awaiting for You, yes You, to choose and to understand You, being You, are the chosen One.

Amen.

What is Worse- Anger or Indifference?

Empty

Empty

Sometimes the most scary (and liberating) times are when you move from anger and frustration to indifference. Anger keeps you hooked. Indifference can mean you are off the hook and have no intention of re-engaging.

Please Note- My Indifference
For years- you spoke- and said my anger scared you most.

And I believed you- proving what fools we both may be.

For it has never been my anger which has spooked a soul-
only my indifference

And now you will duly note the difference- and I will finally set myself free.

Explanation: This writing and image refers to a very specific scenario in my family dynamic. I realize on a larger scale indifference is much more frightening than anger. Anger pushes one to action. Indifference allows one to not care.

How Your Blog May Heal You

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I write, at times, to heal. The words chosen for and by me must serve a dual purpose. They must both cut and close.

I am the surgeon requiring good flesh with which to work. I can be ruthless in my culling, slicing symbolic flesh to reveal what lies beneath the scars.

Words probing for the healthy tissue underneath. The vocabulary laid before me-startling-although I create and choose it.

The words become stitches, staccato-ing across the page, pulling the exposed flesh tighter- giving me a chance to renew the tissue once abused, closing wounds long ago forgotten or ignored.

The linking of the words becomes a trail of sutures. If you could feel the page, you would feel the bump-bump-bump of word/stitches, one after another, in orderly fashion, linked for divine purpose.

Doing what words of healing do- tightening the once vulnerable places into wholeness.

What if THIS is the Gift?

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What if THIS, whatever THIS may be for you, is the gift you have been seeking?

What if the current problem, situation, conundrum, difficulty, and/or issue you are currently trying to “fix” is really your ticket to a new way of being in this world?

What if wrapped up in the icky packaging of discontent, malaise, and/or confusion, you find inside all that you desired?

I wanted to gift of being loved. I have been given the gift of learning to love myself. How blessed am I?