Ever have the experience in which you are speaking about your life, relaying the oh, so “normal” tidbits, not thinking once, not thinking twice, about the information being relayed only to have another person point out, often gently, how strange it all may be?
At one time my therapist helped me realize how I become, what I now refer to as “Cheese and Cracker Kim”. In a session, I was merrily relating that I happily cook for my family almost every night, typical meat and potatoes fair. Because they really like and expect meat. Because I am a vegetarian, some nights I would just end up having cheese and crackers for dinner.
My therapist asked me, “How often does this happen?”
“Cheese and Cracker Kim” answered, “Oh, gosh, I don’t know, maybe 3 or 4 nights a week.” I think I said this a sense of happiness, because cheese and crackers were not the point of my story and I really wanted to move onto the “good” stuff- i.e. the really pressing problems as to why I was in therapy.
My therapist paused my ongoing diatribe to point out the symbolism of preparing meals for others while I basically made-do with crumbs.
I still did not see the point. I was “fine” and I was “especially fine” since everyone else was happy and well-fed.
“Cracker and Cheese Kim” was doing great!
Lately, I have experienced a great deal of awareness, change, and honestly, hope for treating myself better. I no longer see myself as someone satisfied with the crumbs while others eat to their fill.
So this is what has happened, “Cracker and Cheese Kim” has moved on and filled her plate but I am the only one, for now, at the new buffet.
The universe always provides opportunities to test our growth. Flex our new muscles, if you will, and add some strength and mass to our convictions. My life has shown me how I long for my plate to be filled- to be honored during my wedding anniversary, to have my husband’s family acknowledge me, to have my stepkids notice me (even if we are on vacation!).
All of these scenarios would have been met by “Cheese and Cracker Kim” with a grin, shrug, and “Gee Whiz, I don’t need a thing.”
Now I have needs, and into the awareness, a few gaps have appeared. It will take some time for others in my life to realize that I need to be filled also. There is a gap at present between what I need and what they have provided in the past. Let’s be honest, there was no gap in past, because “Cheese and Cracker Kim” had filled it all in for everyone.
I guess I am writing this, in case you are in a similar situation. Perhaps you have come to a new awareness. Perhaps you are stronger. And, perhaps like I did, you wonder why things have not immediately changed and why you are not feeling better.
It’s almost as if because we change we expect everyone around us to have undergone the same transformation. If they love you and are worth having you in their life, they will. The gap created by your growth will eventually be filled. Trust that your growth and the gaps it produces is actually presenting the space for the growth for others.
You don’t have to be a “Cheese and Cracker” person, when the buffet of life sits before you.