May you please, please stop the Abuse of Yourself- You are such a Gift to this World, why would you Harm Yourself?

Egg of Being in God’s Eye

Abuse of the Self

What if God said to you “Please, please stop abusing yourself.”
Would you even know what it would mean?

What if the egg of conception were literal and metaphorical?

What if when the eye of God looks upon you-
an egg of Light and Being is all the vision sees?

What if the is egg were shattered?
How would God feel?

Yet, we take our eggs and with malicious maltreatment
still expect them to survive

We will starve ourselves, drink ourselves, drug ourselves,
exercise ourselves, sex ourselves into oblivion

We believe then we will not feel – nothing-
no pain, no sense, no emotion- and we believe we are free

I believe God would disagree- all we do is crack
the shells of our enlightened Being upon the stakes of insanity

But even this God can not comprehend
Because God made you to be fragile

Not weak, but fragile. You were created to feel,
to breath, to trust, to hope, and to enjoy

The Divine light within you can not be covered up
God only wonders why it takes you so long

To realize that you do not need to hurt yourself
as a way to free yourself

God only wishes you would treat yourself
with the care and compassion of the deserving

Light, love, warmth, beauty are within you
Why would you ever harm such a Being as You?

—–
One of the things that has frequently worried me in life is witnessing that one of the primary “coping” mechanisms of those who have been abused is to turn to self-abuse. (Often, the other option is to perpetuate abuse onto others.)

For those who have been abused, the constant threat of abuse and recovery sets up a pattern in the brain in which this cycle is seen as “normal”. Even when the abuser is removed from one’s life, the tendency to fall into this cycle remains for the one abused.

Self-abuse can take many, many forms- overeating, over-exercising, drinking too much, compulsive sex, ignition of situations to cause pain to one’s self, self-sabotage and denial, drug abuse, abusing one’s health and so on.

Self-abuse is a walking billboard for the pain inside. Because the pain of abuse was never handled directly, it rears its head again and again wanting solace and understanding and compassion. For those who have been abused, these are very difficult sentiments to produce in relation to one’s self.

Only recently did I have even one bit of success in this area. It may seem like such a small triumph, but damn! I am proud. During a hellacious week the stepkids, I was exhausted after work, I did not want to go home, though. I was so tired I could walk into walls.

My normal self-abusing response would be to exercise!! To exercise my body to such a point where I feel nothing. I have come to realize though, that this punishing form of exercise is just self-abuse covered in a society-accepted compulsive activity.

Instead on this day, I stopped by the grocery store to pick up some nutritious food for myself. I wanted to TAKE CARE of myself, not abuse myself.

From the grocery store parking lot, I even called my sister to report my triumph!

Maybe we do not need to be as tough as we think we need to be. Perhaps when God made us, it was with the understanding of just how fragile we each are. Such pain of abuse has already been laid upon so many of us, and it may simply pain God more to see us ignore our own sensitivities to abuse ourselves even more.

If you are abusing yourself in any way, please try to stop. You can not change your past, but you can also not even one second change what is truly yours-

You, yes you, are a brilliant, powerful embodiment of all that is right in this world. You, born with the mark of divinity upon you, are the blessing of this world.

A common Error…We know the Truth and then Spend Hours on the Lies

I See My Own Truth

I don’t know your view of Heaven. I am not even sure I know my own. But, I frequently make the joke that in Heaven, if one’s life is laid before one’s self, I never want to see an accounting of all the money I have spent on Diet Coke.

A very small issue, I know, but I am sure I would be appalled at the income I have given to vending machines and convenience stores throughout my time to purchase this beverage with absolutely no nutritional value.

Along the same vein, but on a more serious note, is an epiphany I had recently- how much time I have spent on the lies of others.

The Truth simply is. We do not need to defend it, color it, attempt to hide it, reveal it, or modify it in any way. The Truth can stand on its own.

I know this, but I now also know how many literal hours I have spent on the lies of others.

My best example of this is my role as stepmother. For at least 2 years, lies were told about me. The lies included what a mean person I was, how the kids hated me, how the kids were fearful of me, how no one could ever like me, etc.

You know, I did not buy into these lies. But, I did make a fatal mistake. I tried to convince others who were telling these lies that their lies were not the truth.

I wasted hours on my scheme of conviction. I came up with examples, explanations, scenarios, dramatic re-enactments all to show them the truth – which was simply this- I am a loving stepmom. I make mistakes, of course, but making a mistake does not indicate a lack of love.

Whenever you are caught in a situation of lies, please don’t make the mistake I did. Stand your ground, for sure, but trust in the Truth. The Truth is there, whether others can see it or not.

If others are hell-bent on telling lies about you, because of their own weakness, delusions, or insanity, you do not have to spend hours trying to change their views (because most likely they will not change them anyway).

An important point to note, the person telling the lies is very, very invested in these lies. They will expend an inordinate amount of time defending, harassing, demanding of others all to get support for their lies.

Why? Do they think they are they right? May be, may be not.

The fact is they must spend so much time, energy and engagement on the lie, because the lie is NOT the Truth. A lie can never stand on its own. It must be fed, cared for, and paid the utmost attention, because it is not real. Without this time and energy invested, the lie falls apart, a deflated projection, prostrating its self before the Truth.

When we try to counteract these lies, we are actually playing into the hands of the liars. We are giving time and energy to things which are not even real.

I read many blogs about abusers, sociopaths, and narcissists. They are the ultimate liars and we have spent too much time on their acts of ridiculousness and their absurd lies.

Know yourself and Know your Truth. Trust that who and what you are can stand on its Own. You do not need to waste hours of time counteracting the insanity of others.

Your time and energy are needed elsewhere- loving your life and all the blessings you have been given. Let others live in the darkness of their lies, knowing your Truth and its light prevents such darkness from remaining in your Life.

God Witnesses Your Sorrow

Like so many of you, I love words. I love the specificity, that “just right” sense, when the right word is found.

Certain words lend themselves to this sensation. I know when I am lecturing and use the word “malaise”, as a symptom of a disease, that the word just seems to fit. “Malaise” sounds like not feeling well, ill, lethargic.

Another word that I feel captures its own essence is the word “sorrow”. Sorrow is much, much different than its cousin, “sadness”. You can ask someone what makes him or her sad, and he or she will likely come up with any number of answers.

Ask them about what brings them sorrow, though, and you are likely to be engaged in a completely different conversation.

Many may become quiet in regards to such a query. Sorrow is the silent cousin of sadness.

What “sorrow” lacks in breadth, as it is not used as often as “sadness”, it makes up for in depth.

Sorrows cut us to the bone. They are the injuries and wounds, even years past, that we are not quite sure we have ever fully recovered from them.

Sorrows can be timeless. Not given to the temporary, they can cross miles of time, awakening within us the sense that no time has passed since the original event.

At times, I feel our sorrows are too big for us to hold on our own. We do not speak of them, because we do not know what to do about them. A simple sense of sadness we can handle. A profound sense of sorrow, and now we wonder if it is all too much.

I guess I am here to say that God witnesses our sorrows. (God being whatever you believe to be the power of the universe. It can be your Higher Self, the Universe or whatever).

What we are afraid to speak, God already sees. And if there is anything that is a comfort in our sorrows, it is to know that we are not alone. God sees and God witnesses. The sorrow-inducing events may not be changed, but the pain of silent sorrow does not need to be suffered alone.

Let your sorrow have a voice, even internally, for the message it carries is great. Through whatever sorrows you have partaken, you are alive and you are loved.

And sorrow’s message may simply be: Through it all, you contain the power to be a face in this world. Granting us with your spirit and grace, knowing that without you, nothing truly would ever be the same.

Well, There goes the Vocabulary… (Why you may not be able to find the words)

Kim’s Coat of Arms (if she had one)

Keep writing. Keep thinking. Keep growing. The words will come. Let them appear on your pallet, even those you feel are “unworthy”. There are only 3 primary colors and yet we end up with a breath-taking spectrum. Even the most simple, basic words can lend themselves to a world of beauty

The blank page is a writer’s pallet. It becomes the place to mix, match and manipulate the colors of writing- the chosen words.

The “right” word for an author has an almost tangible feel to it. It symbolically rolls through the fingertips and rolls off the tongue and mind. Even readers detect when the choice of words are particularly apt. We tend to label this as being “poetic” whether or not the writing appeared in anything even resembling a poem.

But what happens when the words you so seek can not be found?

This happening is not uncommon, but there are times, I believe, in which a very specific reason may exist for you being unable to find the correct words.

I have always liked the image of the chakra system. Chakras are 7 primary energy centers (there are more) in the body, beginning in the pelvic area and ending on the top of the head. Each chakra is associated with a certain energy dynamic.

I believe each chakra in addition to having its own energy also has its own vocabulary. And this is where word selection can fly out the window.

If one is dealing with the 7th chakra, spirituality, it is almost easy to write of the universal sense of love and light. Ditto for the fourth or heart chakra. When you are in that space, love, romance, compassion, rose-tinted glasses leap off the page.

What happens though when you are trying to write and create from a weakened chakra state. Lately, I have been reading many books about emotional abuse. Abuse in any form is a first chakra issue. When you see yourself on the page of a book dealing with emotional abuse, you are knocked for a loop. You begin to feel you do not know or trust your life (first chakra issue).

And this is what can happen, when you try to create from a place of injury or distortion, you will not be able to find the vocabulary to say what you mean.

For example, the first chakra is centered on such basic issues, I find when I think of writing or speaking about this, my vocabulary becomes very basic and black and white. Things are right or they are wrong. I mention the word “fight” a lot, as in “I am fighting for my emotional survival.” The issue of survival creeps onto the page. Things appear with very sharp borders- I can vs. I can not. I will not vs. I will. There are few gray areas and little subtlety in the first chakra. It is either survive or die trying, symbolically.

So I will look at myself and my journal during these times and think “This is horrible. I can’t even express myself clearly.” Of course, I can not. The issues are base in nature and my vocabulary reflects this.

In fact, when one is dealing with abuse and first chakra issues, we need blunt, un-nuanced words. It is very dangerous in such a situation to be taking flights of fancy into the 7th chakra of “Isn’t everything just love and light?”.

It is not only on the written page that this loss of vocabulary may occur. When one is struggling with issues, coming to a new awareness, and trying to express new feelings and thoughts, it can be very, very easy to end up being judged. People will say, “Well, you are not making sense.” or “I have no idea what you are talking about.”

If this happens with verbal or written communication, do not give it a second thought. Do not judge yourself. You are creating a new life and sometimes it takes a little time for a new vocabulary to emerge. So, you may stutter. You may speak or write and say, “Well, that is not exactly what I mean, but I hope you understand what I am saying.”

You may even read your own blog, as I am doing today, and think “Ugh. I am not even sure if I am making sense but I don’t know what else to do.”

You may want to repeat yourself again and again, as you try out new combinations. You may want to have the “same” conversation several times- trying out new words and thoughts.

This is perfectly o.k.! Creating art and writing are continual processes, not puctuated moments.

.

God Spoke and You are the Chosen One

Holding Strong

What if for today, we pretend?

We pretend that on today God spoke and You, yes You, were the chosen One.

No more excuses. No more longing. No more wishful thinking. No more insane world creating.

God spoke and You, yes You, were the choice.

Only it is not just for today. The choice was made before the Heavens were bent to give the sky.

God chose you to be You.

Now only if you would do the same and choose yourself.

The world is awaiting for You, yes You, to choose and to understand You, being You, are the chosen One.

Amen.

What is Worse- Anger or Indifference?

Empty

Sometimes the most scary (and liberating) times are when you move from anger and frustration to indifference. Anger keeps you hooked. Indifference can mean you are off the hook and have no intention of re-engaging.

Please Note- My Indifference
For years- you spoke- and said my anger scared you most.

And I believed you- proving what fools we both may be.

For it has never been my anger which has spooked a soul-
only my indifference

And now you will duly note the difference- and I will finally set myself free.

Explanation: This writing and image refers to a very specific scenario in my family dynamic. I realize on a larger scale indifference is much more frightening than anger. Anger pushes one to action. Indifference allows one to not care.

The Power in Moving from Victim to Victor….

This weekend our dog was attacked by another dog. I was walking my dog at the time and I had him on a leash. The other dog escaped from his fenced area and attacked my dog from behind. At first, I thought my dog had escaped being wounded. Time would show me otherwise. Once I got him home and checked him out, I realized he was bleeding from a wound on his left side. (He is now healing very well 🙂 He is a yellow Lab. Is there any creature more loving and friendly? I think not.)

At this point, I decided to call the police. (Yes, we live in that small of a town. 🙂 ). It was also at this point that I made the completely unconscious decision to enter what I now refer to as “victim dissociation mode”. For those who have experienced trauma and abuse, the response is not that uncommon.

For me, the response involves responding, projecting, anticipating, controlling, and caring for everyone BUT myself and in this case- my injured dog. See, if you have experienced abuse, one way you learn to survive is to control everything you can, while at the same time, dissociating from yourself because the pain is too great.

So, on this day, I spent time worrying about the following: the police officers who had to handle a “dog issue”, which in my mind, I created the scenario that this was a nuisance in regards to their use of time. I was also worried that one officer seemed very quiet and perhaps I had upset him. I then worried about saying I wanted the owners of the dog to be ticketed, because, my goodness..what if they were unable to afford the ticket? Next, I spent time worrying that I needed to get my dog to the vet. The vet was closing at 2:00 and I could not get there until 2:00. Now, I had the guilt of making the vet stay late. (None of this was based on the vet’s response, by the way. This was ALL coming from me.) While at the vet, the police officers had a follow-up call for me and now I was upset this was taking up more of their day- on such a “small issue”. Again, they did not convey this to me, it was everything I was telling myself.

You may be asking, as I have begun to ask myself- where was my anger? My dog was attacked from behind! Where was my fear? Buried deep, deep inside. Where was my overwhelming concern for myself and what I witnessed? Nowhere to be found. What about my dog? I placed him in the same category as me- I felt I could “manage” his suffering and thus not be bothering anyone with my fearful concerns for him.

And that is what happens in victim mentality. You become numb to your own reality because it is “easier” and too frightening to confront what is actually happening- events of which you have NO control that are causing you pain. And so you let your mind fly away on fantasies and projections, worrying about others, when your utmost, number one concern should be yourself.

I learned something about myself on this day. I learned how much I STILL dissociate. I learned how, when I am unable to worry for myself, I distort and project my worries on to others. I learned that I desperately want to control and prevent bad things from happening, because I get all turned around in my mind and think the bad things that are happening are somehow my fault and if I were just smart enough, or good enough, I could stop them.

But, that is the “victim” part of this story. I also learned even in the midst of trauma I can be the victor. I took care of my dog. I got him to safety. I saw his wound and got him help. I protected others in the area by informing and then dealing with the police officers. I was smart enough to reach out to friends who helped me find a vet who was open on Saturday and willing to help me with my dog. And I got my dog to the vet in time and he is healing fine.

And unlike the victim stories that spew and churn in my mind, the above are the FACTS of what happened. I helped my dog, I protected him and myself, removed us from a dangerous situation and got us help. There is not one thing “victim-like” in those acts.

As victims, we can not control what is done to us (or has been done in the past). That is the “victim” portion of our lives. However, we can transform and transcend and not stay immersed in the energy of victimhood. We can emerge as the victor of our own lives.