You do not write to vent or release…

Creating

Creating

…and free yourself of demons.

You write to dig and discover.

You are not looking to free yourself of anything.

You are writing to embrace what is uncovered.


We can only change that which is “ours”.

Some speak to the catharsis of writing, to the spewing forth and releasing of that which is hidden deep inside. There can be a sense of relief when dark secretes take flight as words across the page. And I will not deny this process.

However, the process, as so many discover, does not end in the ranting, the spewing, and the attempt at release.

What every writer and reader is looking for is not a ride along a wave of words released, but rather a chance to hold what another has embraced.

When I read the blogs of others, I see the power of writing not in the releasing, but rather in the holding of ideas, beliefs, memories, thoughts and feelings that have been uncovered and discovered.

I see these writers hold up these items, some treasures, some dark and deadly, to the light of their sharp mind and verbal skills. And I realize these items, held by these writers, never stood a chance, because the writer as creator will transform them, coddled as they are in his or her grip.

If I release you, I will never hold you and I may deny you are mine.

If I hold you, I own the power to transform you.

And this is what I see so many writers doing.

To Fear or Not to Fear: Two Images to Help

Some of us have lived in tremendous fear in our lives. Some of us still do.

I want to speak a little bit about what fear does to us and some images that may help you as they have helped me.

One things fear does is narrow our focus- completely- to ensure our survival.

Fear activates the sympathetic nervous systems (SNS). Now, the SNS is wonderful, awesome and a key component of survival. The SNS handles your “fight or flight” system. And it is designed to do one thing and one thing only to the best of its ability- keep you alive. Such a clear, bottom-line goal, and it will not deviate from it.

The SNS integrates with almost every system of the body. When it is activated, it is all systems go: Pupils dilate, HR increases, bronchioles dilates, blood sugar increases, blood flow to the digestive organs and kidneys lessen and so on.

There is no in-between state here. You don’t get to choose to dilate the pupils but not elevate the HR or blood sugar. Such options are removed.

Think about it- have you ever been frightened by something silly- a book falling off a table or something? What happens? Before you know it- you’re breathing heavy, your eyes are wide, you are pale for a moment and so on. Your SNS is doing its job.

But this single-pointed focus costs you. It does not deal with gray areas, states of in-between, or nuance. When it is “On” it is “On” full-force. So committed to its goal, it removes many options from the table.

The SNS and single-pointed focus is fine in survival situations, but what of “normal” life. Life is not meant to be lived in this state of activation, because what happens when you activate the SNS is that you lose many of your options. You don’t get to ebb and flow and adapt to life on varying levels. It is either all “on” or not.

And this is what I feel fear does to us symbolically. When we are in a fear-ful state, we do not see we are surrounded by options. Fear constricts us and our sense of choices. Options are removed to reduce everything to single-pointedness- survival. This is how I draw it.

The Fear State

The Fear State

You are the vesica pisces in the center (divine integration), but half the light/color options are removed. In fear, you only operate with a portion of your available options. The rest seems as if they are mentally removed into the darkness.

But, truly in life, we are surrounded by 360 degrees of light and options. I drew it this way:

Options

Options

It has a red spiral in the middle indicating generation and the 1st chakra (survival), spinning a person around so you can see all 360 degrees of potential that surround you in any moment.

I don’t know if these images help or not, but I have thought of them so many times during the past days, as I have whispered to myself “Kim, you always have options, all of them are available to you all of the time.” )

Why Abuse Victims often feel they are Swimming Upstream

Going with the Current

Going with the Current

I believe there are certain principles to life. Good, solid principles about the way the Universe works. When in alignment of these principles, there is a sense of comfort, continuation and hope internally despite whatever external circumstances may prevail.

For those who have suffered abuse, the messages received have been training in flaunting these Universal principles. ( By “abuse” I am not simply referring to spousal abuse or abuse of children. You can be abused at work, as well as home. Sometimes entire situations are abusive, for example, as in war and control by regimes and so on.)

Where the Universe works on love, you learned fear.
Where the Universe works on freedom, you learned bondage.
Where the Universe works on hope, you learned fearful anticipation.
Where the Universe works on rhythm, you learned discord.
Where the Universe works on truth, you learned denial.
Where the Universe works on continuity, you learned chaos.
Where the Universe works on creativity, you learned destruction.
Where the Universe works on encouragement, you learned belittlement.
Where the Universe works on empathy, you learned cruelty.
Where the Universe work on trust, you learned second-guessing.
Where the Universe works on balance, you learned extremism.

You learned all of this and more at the hands of your abuser.

For all this time, you have been swimming upstream of how the Universe works
and you have been trying to get home ever since.

Is it any wonder you feel tired, distraught and at wit’s end?

Swimming upstream does not change the direction of the current. For once, stop and rest, and let the current turn you around in alignment with the principles, I know your Heart holds so dear.

—–
Abuse always leaves its mark. Sometimes it is difficult to remember our true selves and what beliefs we hold are true when confronted with the manipulation and terror of abuse.

Abuse tried to teach you horrible lessons, but you know better. I know you do.

The Trapped Narcissist or Sociopath…Keep Your Hands and Your Hopes Out of the Cage!

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The gilded, golden cage- don’t let it fool you.

Narcissists and sociopaths are about one primary thing- winning.

They are not into “win-win” type of victories, as many of us are. They are not even aware of anyone besides themselves and their own needs. Thus, there can be no “win-win” when you are only considering the victories of one.

Maybe you have gotten smart. You have read your books. You have talked to your friends. You have shed your tears. You have wised up, tightened up, drawn your lines, erected your boundaries, armored up, placed your narcissist or sociopath in a locked cage thrown away the key – and wait…what is this…

… the narcissist or sociopath seems to be responding to your signals. After all these years and all this time, they are seemingly…nicer, more aware… can you dare hope?

No. You can not.

Let me tell you what is happening. The narcissist or sociopath is still playing to WIN- and let’s not forget it is not “win-win”. You have no place in his or her victory- EVER.

Being a narcissist or a sociopath is all about surviving and in this arena, these individuals are not stupid. They play this game better than you or I ever will (why? because we have the additional burden of actually thinking about and caring about others.)

When you have drawn firm lines with a narcissist or sociopath – you will encounter, first, mind-blowing rage. Think “firestorm” and then add fuel to it. But what if this doesn’t work for them. Do you really think the narcissist or sociopath will insist on a path that is not working? No. Remember they are driven by winning and surviving.

Let us say you have built a cage around your narcissist or sociopath. You have contained them and their influence in your life (or so you believe). Let us even say you have electrified the bars of that cage for good measure. Do you think they will throw themselves against the electrified bars of your boundaries in some type of dramatic self-sacrifice? Never.

They will bide their time. Slowly. Outwardly calm. They will actually pretend to sit in the cage of your made-up boundaries and rules and they will act like they want to play nice- very nice- until you get close enough to let them touch you.

You see, when you are solid in your boundaries (or better yet, stop engaging with a narcissist or sociopath completely) and they receive a little shock from brushing up against it- they will back away. Remember their survival is paramount, self-sacrifice is not. They will learn- “ah, that is a boundary, I must not go there”. But, they will also learn to wait until you trust again -until you trust enough to take down the electrified boundary. They will test again and again until there is an opening.

When you have finally put your narcissist or sociopath in a cage, keep the bars well-fortified and electrified. They are not sitting in the cage thinking of great ways to truly make you feel better. They are only thinking one thing- how in the hell do I get out of here and who is going to pay when I do?

When you are finally strong enough to set boundaries with these types, be smart enough to keep your hands and your hopes out of the cage you had to create for them. There are many people who deserve your best love, care, and hope in this world. Narcissists and sociopaths are not one of them.