Out of the Insanity

Eye of God

Eye of God

“Within the context of an attempt by another to discredit and harm my Being, I seek resolution within my self and only my self.”


You can not control crazy.
And, if crazy is rolling your way, you can not seek resolution or peace with the crazy-maker.
It is an impossible task that will end up harming you further.
You must stand firm in your own sense of self and take the power that you would normally put towards the other person and use it to keep your sense of self intact.
That is a worthy use of your time and energy.

On the Edge of Darkness

Soul Fighter

Soul Fighter

In Your innocent Light, you
touched the skirt of Darkness

and now you know
and now you understand

to a depth only Experience
can bear

and came away aware

Your Soul touched Darkness
And now You Light the Perimeter.

I wrote this because, as we all sometimes do with things in our lives, I was questioning how I became to be a stepmom to children whose own mother treats them (in my mind) with such cold indifference.

And, I realized, after helping my stepson so much as of late, and he would say “But no one would believe me.” I kept saying, “I do. I do believe you.” And he asked why.

Suddenly, internally, I realized why I could believe him- I had “touched the skirt” of his mother’s darkness. I KNEW because I had experienced her coldness, blatant disregard and belittling.

So, now I stand with my little ol’ innocent Light – on the border of darkness, marking the perimeter so my stepchildren may be able to see what is good, normal, and right.

I do not want to make less of anyone’s experience with “darkness” in life. BUt perhaps by having your own Light brush up against that Darkness, you will safely mark the border for others.

The Power of “Not Good Enough” Girl

Angel Carrying Sun

Angel Carrying Sun

I have an alter ego. I used to say I was secretly a “bad-ass rocker chick”, until I mentioned it to my family. After they stopped laughing, they said the only other career they thought I could have is as a librarian. I am not sure they were too hopeful even with that.

I met my other alter ego recently. We have been having a very busy summer. I will do three trips in 8 weeks, I am teaching 3 classes, and am beginning a new consulting opportunity. In the midst, we are building a new home and attempting to sell our current one.

Our realtor called the other day and said some agents were saying our home was too cluttered. You see, I had been packing and had nowhere to put the boxes.

I was mortified. I chastised myself- “Our house is not selling because you made it too cluttered, even after they said to remove the clutter. What were you thinking? You should have had the house cleaner.”

As I walked under the shade tree to my car at work that day, I met her, my alter ego, “Not Good Enough” (NGE) girl.

“NGE” girl has been with me my entire life. In deep conversations with friends, I would literally say, ” I wish I were good enough.” Good enough at what? My answer would have been “Life in general.”

“NGE” Girl is unstoppable. She was created, in her mind, to save the world. She was first going to save my mother (who was suicidal for part of my childhood). Step two, even better, was that she was going to make my mother happy.

She would do everything in her powers, and still it would NOT be enough. Thus “NGE” Girl was born.

I had not “seen” her for some time until that day. It amazed me (and perhaps you can relate) how rabid, intense, and cut-throat that internal voice of my “failure” was. My house was “not good enough” and by extension neither was I.

I don’t think I am the only woman who lives with such a voice. I think there are many, many “NGE” Girls out there.

“NGE” Girls are always striving, always perfecting, in an attempt to “be enough”.

I like to change things around and find my power, if you will. In any event in which I am lost, I picture an infinity loop with me in the center. I send my energy out, and the goal is for it to turn that corner and return to me, completing the cycle.

I put the energy of “NGE” Girl out there- how could I get that energy back?

I believe each contains its opposite- so what power could I gain from “NGE” Girl?

“NGE” Girl is first and foremost- unstoppable. It may not always be the healthiest approach, but She truly believes She can and will do it all.

“NGE” Girl is driven. She has “failed” so many times, failure does not even register with her, She keeps going.

“NGE” Girl is smart, wicked- smart. She has to be. If She is going to save herself and the world, She will watch, She will learn and She will begin to anticipate.

“NGE” Girl is compassionate. Having been belittled and “not enough” her entire life, She knows an underdog when She sees one and has no problem being a champion of its cause.

“NGE” Girl is fearless. She has already lost a lot and still She is willing to risk more.

“NGE” Girl is aware. She is tried her entire life to “make it right”. It has been her passion to live to her highest potential. It may not be recognized by others but She know “good enough” is there and she refuses to settle.

As I wrote, I think there are many “NGE” Girls out there. We may have been overtly told or subjectively referenced that we are “not enough”.

But that “not enough” has carried a potential of Power within It. May every “NGE” Girl not only learn to use that Power, but come to acknowledge it!

The Profound Act of Negating the Negations

Wrapped in Illusion

Wrapped in Illusion

People are inspired to write for many reasons. I realized last evening, one of the most profound reasons may be to “negate the negations”.

I am paraphrasing a quote by Joan Miro, but the resonance stands.

Too many have grown up or are currently living in situations in which their sense of personhood, their hopes, their dreams, their attempts at love and living are constantly negated.

They are belittled, misunderstood, bullied, ignored, and manipulated.

And, yet, the Spirit somehow remains strong and steadfast. It takes root and refuses to stop its own growth in the face of such negativity.

It finds a way to express and expand, and frequently, in this forum, it chooses the act of writing to “negate the negations”.

In the act of writing and creating, the Spirit finds a profound, actual, physical form of counteracting what others have attempted to lay upon it.

The stories are told, the truths are realized, the negations are negated by the profound act of creation.

Never doubt the power of your writing to find your truth. Some require this balance point in life more than others. 🙂

A Woman’s Sacred Land

Pushing Through

Pushing Through

Perseverance is the light that overcomes the acts of others trying to keep you in darkness.
Just as light triumphs darkness, every act of perseverance dispels the harm others would lay upon you.

This image and the idea of perseverance have so been on my mind lately. I received an e-mail from a kind, wonderful person who is being mistreated. It made me want to write the following…

Sacred Ground

you have always been the walking wounded

twisting the soft, beautiful soul and spirit of others
into some maniacal crutch

as you gimped, staggered and dragged any
and all who came near

I am not your prop. I am not your crutch.

I am a woman of glory
who walks upon this land with a power

rightfully called by the single, holy name of “Mine”

And you in your feeble state, sadly played by you as if it were fate,
will not take one step ever again

upon my sacred land.

An Equal Measure of Love

cropped-yourlightshines.jpg

The things we do for love.
I found a soccer camp for my stepson to attend this summer. I had seen how much he enjoyed playing pick-up soccer in our neighborhood and thought to myself that this could perhaps give him such much needed confidence.

I contacted the director to make certain they would welcome a child who had never played before. ( I had visions of enrolling him in something that was over his head. A summer camp for 10-year-old mini-professional players or something like that.) The director reassured me that they welcomed all levels.

This information was passed to his Mom as he would be staying with her at that time. And, she signed him up! Often I am the one finding such activities for the children (guitar, piano, tutoring, baseball, flute lessons) while the parents are “confused” as to how I find all of these things and get them done.

I do not know if God (define that as you will) allows me to see some things so I would understand or if it is just fate or whatever. But on the first day of soccer camp, as I was cleaning the kitchen, I glanced out the window and there was my stepson riding his bike -alone- to camp.

Now, mind you, the camp is 2.5 BLOCKS away from our home. 2.5 BLOCKS. As it was his first day and he had never been to a sports camp before, I had visions of his Mom at least walking (driving??) him to camp to make sure he was signed up as expected (we have all had that experience where our registration was “lost”) and to help him get settled and cheer him on.

And…she was not there… at all….

I know he is 10, almost 11, but where is her involvement in his life? Had he been with us, I would have walked him over, chatting along the way, “I am so excited you chose to do this camp. I love experiencing new things and can’t wait to see you experience this. Do you think any of your friends will be there? You may even make some new friends here, what do you think?”

Connecting…feeling…supporting HIM and his life.

Later that day, as my husband was home, I suggested we walk the (apparently grueling) 2.5 blocks to see how my stepson was doing and cheer him on.

He greeted us (and well, also the dog, more so) with a big wave and hugs. He does love an audience, so we witnessed him “showing off” (in a good way) for us.

As I stood there watching him, seeing his joy and happiness, I could not help but send up a prayer “Why God, why would his Mom not come to see this? How can he know he matters when someone ignores his life so much?”

And the answer came, “An equal measure of Love.”

I don’t know how many of you are great cooks. I will go with my assumption that you cook way better than me. But there are recipes ( I believe 🙂 ) that call for equal measures of such things as sugar and flour or something.

And the answer had me thinking about ingredients and how when they are mixed together, the stronger ingredient will overpower the other ingredients – even if they are of an equal measure.

And this is the message I took. An equal measure of Love will always overpower any darkness.

Our love does not need to be over the top and of a huge magnitude. It simply needs to be present.

An equal measure of love overcomes any darkness.

When a Soul Whisper Shatters Glass

Wise One

Wise One

Sometimes the Soul Whisper gently nudges you along, at other times, it is a shrill whistle that can pierce glass.

The other day when my stepchildren had been done at our home for 2 weeks and were back with their mother, I spent the good part of the day thinking negative thoughts about the situation.

My mind ran on a course of action that was amazing both in its sheer quantity and twisted-ness of scenarios.

I internally wailed, I moaned, I railed, I plotted.

To a certain extent, some of my thoughts were grounded in the reality in that the children’s mother, given her narcissistic tendencies, has been abusive to myself and my husband in the past. She spins webs of lies, is never “wrong”, manifests confusion out of thin are, and engenders fear because no one can ever trust her intentions.

That is my truth as I have experienced it. Did I slow down to acknowledge any of this and allow my feelings to manifest in an appropriate way that I may witness them and understand and heal myself?

Oh, heck no! I was on a path with momentum and I was going to continue to speed downhill in my mental ramblings.

The funny thing was, given the relational dynamics, I had asked for protection during this time. I had called upon Angels, I had said my prayers, I had created my “Protector Image”:

Stalking

Stalking


Despite calling upon all of this positive energy, did my mind stop for one moment to trust it. No…no…no…

And then, as I was putting away the dishes, caught up in my mental musings, a glass shattered. I do not know what happened. The shelf is not high and the glass did not fall far. This was not a simple break in the glass in which the glass is weakened over time and cracks in one place.

This was shattered glass in pieces big and small all over.

And that was my wake up call. The negative thoughts needed to stop. I can not live in the space of calling upon Angels, calling on the power of prayer and powerful thought and then turn my back upon these as I stew in negativity.

I had prayed earlier in the day for a sign that I was protected and all was o.k.. Short of the Universe renting a billboard along the highway with the message “Kim, You are fine and protected.” I would have missed it with all my self-created internal, negative drama.

Some of you may question a shattered glass a signal or symbol, but I do not. That is just how I am. I see signs and symbols everywhere. When I dreamed of “Hazel” the other night, it was within hours the next day I had purchased hazel nuts and hazel oil.

Later that day, after I had cleaned up the broken glass and cleaned out my mind as well, my stepdaughter stopped by. I never know the state she will be in, but on this day, she came running into the house thanking me. ( She is “graduating” 8th grade, and I had taken the time to purchase her a sweatshirt from the H.S. she will be going to. I wanted to symbolize this transition for her.)

She told me that everyone loved the sweatshirt and thought it was such a great idea and so on. I was happy it meant so much to her and I was happy I could receive this gift, no longer colored by the haze of negativity.

—-
A few other thoughts:
This may apply to any one who must interact with an abusive person: I am realizing I need time to honestly and gently address the sense of protection and vulnerability that is stirred up by these types of people. Denying everything and holding it in is not working.

The image on top is labeled “Wise One”. What it shows is the energy of the spine (kundalini) traveling upwards to be transformed by the wise owl. My thoughts needed transformation that day and this image is the one I am working with along those lines.

We are often blessed so much by our interactions in blogging world. When I first posted about my Protector Image, I had labeled it as “Stalking” but thought that had a negative connotation.

A comment by “kp” gave me a completely different insight however. She wrote about “stalking” in the shamanic tradition. “Stalking” in this sense means to stalk yourself for patterns and behaviors and beliefs that are unhealthy or harmful.

And with this comment the message came full circle (it’s always a treat when someone understands your blog better than you 🙂 ). I had created a Protector Image, yes, but I had also created a “stalker” of my own mind, which was needed on that day.

So sorry this is a long posting. When we are confronted with new learning and awareness, it takes some time before our literal/left brain can process this information enough to form a brief synopsis.

In the midst of major transitions, words flow without summary until the narrative becomes more coherent.

Thanks to the shattered glass that transmitted so beautifully my Soul whisper.

Protecting Yourself by Liking Yourself

Stepping Into

Stepping Into

I often wonder what pushes us forward in life. What transforms us? What stimulates our movement from an abusive relationship or toxic behaviors (by others or those we lay upon ourselves)?

And I think it begins with one thought inside of us – we begin to like ourselves. We begin to like ourselves enough to say “No” to things that hurt, belittle, injure, or limit us.

This initial liking may be but a small sliver, but it is enough for the magic to begin. It begins to serve as a reference for what will and what will not be allowed in our lives.

And in this liking of ourselves, we establish a sense of value within ourselves. And like anything of value, we begin to understand that we are worth protecting. So we leave harmful situations or if we can not leave, we begin to take measure both big and small to protect our value.

I do this in many ways throughout my life. The jewelry I wear and the colors I wear each day have symbolic meaning to me. No one else needs to know that if I am wearing yellow that I am working on the third chakra and my sense of self.

I also set up animal totems all throughout my home. Until recently, I had been on a reptilian trend (try finding that in a home decorating magazine 🙂 ). If you ever need to call up protective energy in your life, reptiles will show you the way. I also have statues of Kali in a windows facing outwards to protect against negative thoughts and energy.

Energetically, the possibilities are endless in how we may bolster our spirits and protect the energy we encounter. Jewelry, colors, totems, figurines may all speak to us in their unique qay.

Finally this thinking lead to the creation of the little figure up top. It’s supposed to be a hedgehog. I know nothing about hedgehogs, other than they began showing up in my dreams.

I looked up hedgehog symbolism and was confronted with a picture of one and a quote by Martha Graham – “You are unique, and if that is not fulfilled, then something has been lost.”

I was struck by this quote. We are unique and we have something to fulfill- which extends way beyond any limitations and control brought on by others or limitations we put upon ourselves by harmful behaviors and thoughts.

As I read further, hedgehogs are associated with the spanning rays of the sun. (it made me think of my image. I always create first and then learn what the image may symbolize). But the hedgehog is a nocturnal creature.

I liked this image. We often represent much more strength and power then we ever give ourselves credit for. If the tiny little hedgehog can live in the night and still represent the sun in its unique way, then certainly you and I can find it within ourselves to find our own unique representation of life.

“Like yourself” – that is the message I get from all of this. I see a little hedgehog in the image, colorfully displayed, heading with some uncertainty to the overwhelming rays of light. And I would like to say, “You are going to be o.k.”

Here Comes the Goddess…

Goddess

Goddess

Here comes the Goddess.

Many, too many, prayers
she has heard to end the night

So she comes a-calling
and a-carrying

Upon her beautiful head
to each a bit of Light.

——-
I have had to turn my prayers around as of late and shake them upside down. I used to pray, really I did, for the Goddess or God to swoop into my life to make things better.

As I have prayed to the Goddess to end the darkness, She answered me, “Kim, I can only do this if I first bring the Light.”

So my prayers have turned around and darkness is not mentioned. I pray that the Light enters and I picture the Goddess traveling across Heaven and Earth to bring me a piece of this gift.

And I will pray she does the same for you in your darkest times.

Who is the Gatekeeper of Your Life? The Answer Better Be “You”

Gatekeeper

Gatekeeper


This past weekend, we had a family dynamic that had me sliding into insane thinking.

I had asked my husband and stepkids to do something for me. I actually classified this as a “NEED” of mine. It was that important. And they failed to get this thing done.

And this is where it got frightening in a “what am I thinking?” aspect. When they did not complete this thing, here is where my mind went on its glorious arc of insane thinking:

I had the thought “Am I not lovable? Is there something wrong with me that someone does not want to do something important for me? Is there some type of defect I carry that someone who cares about me does not care enough to put my need first?” (Actually, the question was not “Is there a defect…” My mind assumed there was. The real question was: “What defect is there within me that make me unlovable?” )

Those of you who struggle with a sense of self will have no problem understanding what I am writing about. The old childhood fears has moved front and center to whack me upside the head with their whisper of “Kim, you simply are not lovable…enough….If you were, then these things would not happen to you.”

I could spend this blog psycho-analyzing this, but I prefer my art do it for me. And the image above is what came to me.

It represents in some weird way to me, a creation myth. (Yes, entire cultures are built around creation myths, and I think it is fine to sit in my office and come up with my own 🙂 ).

Anyway, the world is built and supported by the bull’s horns. But the horns, to me, also look like a ship underneath a red moon (1st chakra, survival). IN the boat are 8 blue circles (blue= spiritual, 8 is a sacred number- 7 chakras plus the Divine. ) Ships with passengers are very common in creation myths and I liked the symbolism of building a complete life to travel across the horizons.

The sides of the bull’s heads are “fish” symbols. I was thinking of the symbol for Pisces, also associated with yin-yang.

The snake in the middle is kundalini energy, the energy of life.

Here is what I took from the image:
The bull is my gatekeeper- strong, solid, protective. It is balanced by the energy of Pisces. However, this balancing does not make it weak, it makes it stronger because it is balanced. The bull has no problem protecting and carrying my world (self) on its horns.

What the bull does, though, is decide what life energy (snake) gets to rise up to touch my life. In this picture, the snake is moving upward to touch the 8 circles of my life, but this is not always the case.

I GET TO DECIDE WHAT ENERGY to let into my life. The fact my husband and stepkids let me down is their energy not mine. And the bull knows this.

Most of us who have been deeply wounded know how sincerely difficult it is to be gatekeepers in our own lives. We let our defenses go years ago, and have been building them ever since.
I hope this image inspires you to protect that which is most dear to you- your sense of self.

The quote below appeared on a blog recently: I LOVE IT! Most of our neurotic behavior is due to avoidance of legitimate pain. – John Bradshaw