Sometimes the Soul Whisper gently nudges you along, at other times, it is a shrill whistle that can pierce glass.
The other day when my stepchildren had been done at our home for 2 weeks and were back with their mother, I spent the good part of the day thinking negative thoughts about the situation.
My mind ran on a course of action that was amazing both in its sheer quantity and twisted-ness of scenarios.
I internally wailed, I moaned, I railed, I plotted.
To a certain extent, some of my thoughts were grounded in the reality in that the children’s mother, given her narcissistic tendencies, has been abusive to myself and my husband in the past. She spins webs of lies, is never “wrong”, manifests confusion out of thin are, and engenders fear because no one can ever trust her intentions.
That is my truth as I have experienced it. Did I slow down to acknowledge any of this and allow my feelings to manifest in an appropriate way that I may witness them and understand and heal myself?
Oh, heck no! I was on a path with momentum and I was going to continue to speed downhill in my mental ramblings.
The funny thing was, given the relational dynamics, I had asked for protection during this time. I had called upon Angels, I had said my prayers, I had created my “Protector Image”:
Despite calling upon all of this positive energy, did my mind stop for one moment to trust it. No…no…no…
And then, as I was putting away the dishes, caught up in my mental musings, a glass shattered. I do not know what happened. The shelf is not high and the glass did not fall far. This was not a simple break in the glass in which the glass is weakened over time and cracks in one place.
This was shattered glass in pieces big and small all over.
And that was my wake up call. The negative thoughts needed to stop. I can not live in the space of calling upon Angels, calling on the power of prayer and powerful thought and then turn my back upon these as I stew in negativity.
I had prayed earlier in the day for a sign that I was protected and all was o.k.. Short of the Universe renting a billboard along the highway with the message “Kim, You are fine and protected.” I would have missed it with all my self-created internal, negative drama.
Some of you may question a shattered glass a signal or symbol, but I do not. That is just how I am. I see signs and symbols everywhere. When I dreamed of “Hazel” the other night, it was within hours the next day I had purchased hazel nuts and hazel oil.
Later that day, after I had cleaned up the broken glass and cleaned out my mind as well, my stepdaughter stopped by. I never know the state she will be in, but on this day, she came running into the house thanking me. ( She is “graduating” 8th grade, and I had taken the time to purchase her a sweatshirt from the H.S. she will be going to. I wanted to symbolize this transition for her.)
She told me that everyone loved the sweatshirt and thought it was such a great idea and so on. I was happy it meant so much to her and I was happy I could receive this gift, no longer colored by the haze of negativity.
A few other thoughts:
This may apply to any one who must interact with an abusive person: I am realizing I need time to honestly and gently address the sense of protection and vulnerability that is stirred up by these types of people. Denying everything and holding it in is not working.
The image on top is labeled “Wise One”. What it shows is the energy of the spine (kundalini) traveling upwards to be transformed by the wise owl. My thoughts needed transformation that day and this image is the one I am working with along those lines.
We are often blessed so much by our interactions in blogging world. When I first posted about my Protector Image, I had labeled it as “Stalking” but thought that had a negative connotation.
A comment by “kp” gave me a completely different insight however. She wrote about “stalking” in the shamanic tradition. “Stalking” in this sense means to stalk yourself for patterns and behaviors and beliefs that are unhealthy or harmful.
And with this comment the message came full circle (it’s always a treat when someone understands your blog better than you 🙂 ). I had created a Protector Image, yes, but I had also created a “stalker” of my own mind, which was needed on that day.
So sorry this is a long posting. When we are confronted with new learning and awareness, it takes some time before our literal/left brain can process this information enough to form a brief synopsis.
In the midst of major transitions, words flow without summary until the narrative becomes more coherent.
Thanks to the shattered glass that transmitted so beautifully my Soul whisper.