Angel Carrying Sun
I have an alter ego. I used to say I was secretly a “bad-ass rocker chick”, until I mentioned it to my family. After they stopped laughing, they said the only other career they thought I could have is as a librarian. I am not sure they were too hopeful even with that.
I met my other alter ego recently. We have been having a very busy summer. I will do three trips in 8 weeks, I am teaching 3 classes, and am beginning a new consulting opportunity. In the midst, we are building a new home and attempting to sell our current one.
Our realtor called the other day and said some agents were saying our home was too cluttered. You see, I had been packing and had nowhere to put the boxes.
I was mortified. I chastised myself- “Our house is not selling because you made it too cluttered, even after they said to remove the clutter. What were you thinking? You should have had the house cleaner.”
As I walked under the shade tree to my car at work that day, I met her, my alter ego, “Not Good Enough” (NGE) girl.
“NGE” girl has been with me my entire life. In deep conversations with friends, I would literally say, ” I wish I were good enough.” Good enough at what? My answer would have been “Life in general.”
“NGE” Girl is unstoppable. She was created, in her mind, to save the world. She was first going to save my mother (who was suicidal for part of my childhood). Step two, even better, was that she was going to make my mother happy.
She would do everything in her powers, and still it would NOT be enough. Thus “NGE” Girl was born.
I had not “seen” her for some time until that day. It amazed me (and perhaps you can relate) how rabid, intense, and cut-throat that internal voice of my “failure” was. My house was “not good enough” and by extension neither was I.
I don’t think I am the only woman who lives with such a voice. I think there are many, many “NGE” Girls out there.
“NGE” Girls are always striving, always perfecting, in an attempt to “be enough”.
I like to change things around and find my power, if you will. In any event in which I am lost, I picture an infinity loop with me in the center. I send my energy out, and the goal is for it to turn that corner and return to me, completing the cycle.
I put the energy of “NGE” Girl out there- how could I get that energy back?
I believe each contains its opposite- so what power could I gain from “NGE” Girl?
“NGE” Girl is first and foremost- unstoppable. It may not always be the healthiest approach, but She truly believes She can and will do it all.
“NGE” Girl is driven. She has “failed” so many times, failure does not even register with her, She keeps going.
“NGE” Girl is smart, wicked- smart. She has to be. If She is going to save herself and the world, She will watch, She will learn and She will begin to anticipate.
“NGE” Girl is compassionate. Having been belittled and “not enough” her entire life, She knows an underdog when She sees one and has no problem being a champion of its cause.
“NGE” Girl is fearless. She has already lost a lot and still She is willing to risk more.
“NGE” Girl is aware. She is tried her entire life to “make it right”. It has been her passion to live to her highest potential. It may not be recognized by others but She know “good enough” is there and she refuses to settle.
As I wrote, I think there are many “NGE” Girls out there. We may have been overtly told or subjectively referenced that we are “not enough”.
But that “not enough” has carried a potential of Power within It. May every “NGE” Girl not only learn to use that Power, but come to acknowledge it!