The Wholeness of it All

Grow to Reflect the Light

Grow to Reflect the Light

Sometimes when I write my postings about narcissism, I sense an underlying current of suggestion from others that perhaps I need to stop and reflect on the idea that everyone needs love.

Of course they do.

That is normally not the intent of my narcissist postings- to state the narcissist does not need love. What would be the point of that anyway?

In so many ways, I believe Love is the underpinning of our existence, our Truth, if you will.

The questions of “What’s Love gotta to with it?” is somewhat irrelevant.

Love has everything to do with it.

However, Love is not the only “It”, existing in isolation.

When my stepchildren ask me about their mother and why she does what she does, I tell them that she loves them, however, I also say, she is, at this time, unable to love them effectively as they need.

Does that sound cruel? I don’t know. But I do know, based on their questions, that they already know she does not “love” them effectively. They are only left wondering why.

They want an explanation, a reason to make it all better.

This is what I think we are confronted with- our desire for love to the underpinning of it all, but this is to be tempered with our AWARENESS.

I truly feel that love is not the challenge. Awareness is. Awareness asks us to reflect, to own up, to decide, to create, to destroy, to be strong, to be thoughtful.

Love may be blind. Awareness is not.

Our prayer need not always be “I want to be more loving”. We are already love. What we are seeking is to be more aware.

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21 thoughts on “The Wholeness of it All

  1. When Mr. T was younger and would ask about his dad (who is not involved in his life) I would always answer that there was nothing wrong with Mr. T, but his dad couldn’t love him and be involved like Mr. T deserved. And it was a very valid answer – it was the decision his biological father came to while I was pregnant. So, I’ve always been honest, Mr. T is completely and totally lovable and is loved by so many, but the one person he needs to love him, and in your step-kids case, the one person they need to love them, just can’t love them how they need it. And I agree, we need to be more aware. Beautiful post Kim, just absolutely beautiful! And I’m glad you’re there for the kids to help them work through the fact that they can’t be loved how they want, and help them see it isn’t a reflection on them. 😉

    • You get it, Kate. I am sorry Mr. T (and yourself) had to handle such rejection ( I am not sure you would use that word) but that is how I read this man’s actions. We must help each other realize that we are lovable and deserving of such love 🙂

  2. I feel for them. Their mom may never get to that awareness in this lifetime, I don’t believe my own mother will. I’ve had to come to a sad acceptance of it. ❤ xo

  3. Lovely post, Kim. I stumbled upon your blog the other day because one of my Comp II students this summer was considering a research topic about breastfeeding, and I remembered the piece you wrote and shared with me about our culture’s view of women’s bodies/breasts. I passed that link along to her. Now, I’m pleased to be reading your words shortly after you write them, and it helping me be more present/aware of the connections/disconnections in my own life. Thank you!

    • Oh my goodness, Erin!! It is so, so wonderful to hear from you. I am touched by your words. I know you are also always seeking the best sense of your self in this world.
      I hope your summer is going well 🙂

  4. It’s a good distinction, Kimberly. If someone really hasn’t fully experienced being in relationship with narci-path personality types (my ‘short-hand’ phrase), there isn’t the understanding that it’s not as simple as the usual platitudes. Those who do have experience with these behavior types understand that it’s not a matter of giving a person more love (and in fact, that default is often part of the dysfunctional relationship pattern). So yes, awareness is a good distinction. Blessings, Jamie

    • HI! Thank you for this response. FOr those who have never experienced, it is much too easy to spout platitudes. Platitudes are a big part of the problem ! 🙂 You are correct- that default to “love” everything and everyone is often part of the dysfunctional relationship dynamic.

  5. My two oldest daughters father is such a being. My 20 year-old handles it (outwardly) much better than her older sister who is 24. I have used similar phrases to explain to the girls, it doesn’t always fill that void or need. Even with an awesome and loving father by choice (we don’t use the word step) they still question as adults why their biological father doesn’t have (time, availability, love, etc.) for them.
    Thank you for this post and for the validation and final thoughts and word(s). Awareness. To be aware. Aware.

    • Thank you for your honesty here. I love the word “choice” rather than “step”. I really like how you write that one child handles it differently than the other. It is never easy, and we must each honor the paths that others choose to walk as they handle this energy.
      Blessings to you.

  6. I like this Kim! There is love here … yet I see that we also need compassion and acceptance for a flawed human being who is not whole or complete.
    We are the ones who are able to love fully. We are the ones who know what compassion is.
    They are diminished because they are unable to sense what we sense or give what we are able to give.
    At the same time I am very aware that we also have to protect ourselves from their inability to recognize boundaries or their impact on those around them in their never ending thirst for adoration and validation.
    I am a daughter of a narcissist and have found peace through compassion and forgiveness.
    xo

  7. I know I have mentioned this before, but I am so incredibly grateful for your posts about narcissism. It has helped me deal with a narcissist better than I have ever been able to before. Your posts have explained and clarified so many things I was thinking. I simply cannot thank you enough. Dealing with someone that has no ability to self-reflect has been a nightmare, to say the least. Having the knowledge of at least ‘understanding’ what is going on has been invaluable. Thank you, Kimberly! Cher xo

      • Thank you for that, Kimberly; I quite agree! It is extremely appreciated when you share your words with others. It makes me feel as if I have more strength to deal with this person when I know more about them! Cher xo

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