The Lies of the Narcissist- And Why you feel so Frozen



Narcissist lie ALL THE TIME.
It’s what they do.
You know this. Truly, you do.

The fact narcissists lie all the time is in some ways not the true burden.

The burden with dealing with a narcissist is the follow-through expectation put upon you- what to do with the lies?

When a narcissist lies to you (constantly), whether you realize it or not, you are thrust into a constraining, limited space in which your options are reduced to two. When lied to by a narcissist, you can either-

1. Validate the lie- that is, go along with the lie. This may happen for any number of reasons. You may simply be tired of countering every thing they say. The lie may be so ridiculous and preposterous you can’t even dredge up the energy to counter it. Or it may be a “small enough” lie with limited consequences that you are willing to let it slide. Picking your battles, if you will.

2. Acknowledge the lie is a lie- in this case, you are calling a lie what it is – “a lie”. You are unwilling to listen to excuses, explanations, or reasons, nor are you willing to serve as a projection screen for the narcissist- being told that you “don’t understand” that they “only meant” one thing, despite saying another, that they were “only kidding”, or that they “did not mean it”.

When you choose this choice, you have most likely opted for the Battle Royale. For a narcissist, to be called out on his or her lie is a threat to survival. A life and death struggle (symbolically) will ensue within their psyche (and projected upon you). For if you acknowledge a lie, to a narcissist, you are threatening to destroy him or her. This is no joke. They will perceive the calling out of them on a lie as a threat to their entire existence, because so much of their existence is based upon lies. Warning bells ring and panic ensues within the narcissist. THEY MUST CONTAIN THE THREAT and that threat is “you” if you dare to confront them on a lie.

So, this is where the utter fatigue enters. When dealing with a narcissist, you are constantly choosing between two un-realities. The lie, itself, is not reality. Thus, how is your response supposed to be authentic and real. You end of feeling torn apart and frozen, doubting your own self and your own choices.

You, however, can not fix the situation, because YOU ARE NOT THE PROBLEM.

And, thus, you are – frozen- between validating a lie or acknowledging it. You will repeat this pattern again and again, because it is a requirement in interacting with a narcissist.

I don’t have any answers for what to do, but sometimes the realization of what is happening allows us to be compassionate and understanding with our selves. Something we can never get from interacting with a narcissist.


28 thoughts on “The Lies of the Narcissist- And Why you feel so Frozen

  1. Thank you for this post, kimberly; it was exactly what I needed to read today – horribly painful but necessary. xxx

      • I am delighted to hear that my posts have helped you; that has cheered me up considerably, Kimberly. Sometimes we click on to exactly what we need to see, don’t we? xxx

  2. That is really good and so true. Narcissists kind of need you to validate their lies. I feel that attempted manipulation frequently, please validate everything I am projecting onto you, so my indignation can be justified…. after the fact.

    It’s a bit crazy making, kind of like being trapped in a hall of mirrors, trying to find the exit. Narcissists work very hard at trying to convince you that you are the problem and some of them are very skilled at it.

  3. Thank you Kimberly…I too needed to read this today. “Constantly choosing between two realities”…yes. It is a lot of work to face this.

  4. Whew, you must be counting the years until your stepson turns 18 and you will no longer have to deal with her! LOVE your artwork today! I see twin hearts in darkness and light. Kind of where you are, huh? 🙂

  5. Oh my, “the lie, itself, is not reality. Thus, how is your response suppose to be authentic and real.” I did, indeed, freeze in this repeated situation. I justified the lies of the narcissist for a very long time-giving him the benefit of the doubt…thinking that once he felt that I was worthy of the truth, he would be honest. WHAT WAS I THINKING? The honesty never came…never. I can’t believe I was that person who got completely sucked into the insane world of a narcissist!

  6. I’ve been in that hall of mirrors more times than I can count. Yes it is exhausting. But you’re right it does help to recognize it and know we have a choice. If we can’t cut the N out of our life completely, because sometimes it always the best option for so many complicated reasons, then we must at least be experts of our dual reality and plan in recovery time.

    • I like how you say that we can not always cut the N out of our life completely. Many people don’t understand this. Sometimes the best we can do is learn how to live with this energy in our lives.

  7. I don’t know if this was intended or not, but I clearly see an eye watching me in the top right corner. I think that matches your post perfectly. Love this work. Both the painting and the post

    • Love that you saw the eye in the image!!! I had missed that. I did pass along your “Paranormal” posting to my husband. His simple summary “There needs to be more ghosts that look like that.”

  8. Hi
    I felt compelled to leave my first message on a site/ blog after reading a lot of accounts / info re narcissism over the last few months.
    Some if your posts have proved to be the most pointed and affecting I have read, they have genuinely helped, because as you know from experience – I am only just learning that being able to reassure yourself you see a situation clearly, no matter how impossible it is to deal with, is the closest to sanity and acknowledgment you will get.
    Thank you

    • I am so touched by your note. That my words could help you at all means a lot to me. Narcissism is not a popular topic to discuss. It carries a lot of weight and negative energy, but discuss it, we must, if we are ever going to learn how to keep our balance in the midst of such craziness. I wish you well on your journey. Ever step does brings its sense of strength and distance (even if the distance can not be physical, it can be mental) from their crazymakinig world.

  9. I’ve usually opted for number one. I tried option two a few times and it always turned out how you said. So I went to one, and then finally removed myself entirely from the situation. Some narcissists you just can’t be friends with, and a intimate relationship is complete impossible. Always love reading your posts. They always bring so much into focus, and remind me that certain things are not my fault, even if the narcissist tells me it is all my fault, and that they are willing to start over again, not realizing that they were not the one being lied to. Thanks again. Have a great rest of your Sunday and a good start to your week!

  10. I have a daughter with this “illness” – she has no awareness of another’s pain. She was better when young but as she grew into womanhood, she was impossible. I don’t know where the problems stem from, other than my mother-in-law was the same way. (she was identical in many ways.) How should I deal with my daughter? She scares me to death. She has just told me, (about Xmas) she would never stay in my house again.. She was totally loved as a child..Cherished and wanted. Now I am beginning to dislike her intensely.. thank you for your helpful post. Eve

  11. I totally agree. A narcissist thinks they are always right, that they are perfect and that they are always a victim. There is nothing that anyone can do to change their opinion so you might as well just not waste your energy telling them different.

  12. Reblogged this on ally1lakeside and commented:
    For almost 2 years now myself and a few others have been stalked, harassed and bullied by a narcissist and we have tried to show this narc the real story; the facts with proof whereas she bandies accusations around with no proof, libeling us as she goes through her days of fantasy. Reading this blog by Soul Healing Art has made me realise I and the others have been wasting our energy and lives because a narc is never going to change or even realise the truth.

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