I had gone to my pastel papers with thought.
I wanted to capture what it felt like to be a stepmom in a dynamic in which the mother shows narcissistic tendencies.
I imagined myself as “Chicken Little, Narcissist Whisperer” and I wanted the paper to back this image.
“Chicken Little” speaks to my “sky is falling” approach sometimes in regards to the children- trying to warn others that this dynamic is not healthy for them. Some times I have been listened to. Some times I have been ignored.
“Narcissist Whisperer” because I have tried, in completely ineffective ways I might add, to get the children’s mother to engage with them in a more effective manner. Is this my role to fulfill? No. But that has not stopped me.
I approached paper and distributed the pastel pigments about, anticipating the form that would emerge to express this chaotic energy.
The moving around of pigments and waiting for a form to appear has been one of my more challenging artistic projects. You have to wait and wait ( I am being dramatic here. I am a Type A person. I get impatient waiting for automatic doors to open).
A light touch must be used as the conversation goes back and forth between eye and material, seeing what the material will give up. There is a spiritual quality to it, as if the form carries a message somehow that needs to be heard.
The colors swirled and I hoped for chaos. I wanted a form which fit my burdensome view of being “Chicken Little, Narcissist Whisperer”. C’mon, I was thinking to the paper, let’s show the world how difficult this has been!
And then a woman of quiet repose and strength showed herself. From her head area, a fountain of color appears.
And this is how my Spirit showed me as stepmother. I am not “Chicken Little, Narcissist Whisperer” running around in chaos.
I am a woman of quite strength, who has tried to look beyond it all to see the hope and growth of these children. I have turned the other cheek (note her pose to the side), while visions of light have poured from my head.
The light is my ideas, my approaches, my strategies employed to cope with this situation and help these children (and to an extent my hope for their Mother that she may eventually heal). I have read books, prayed, been proactive- all of this has poured out of me again and again.
And this is how my artistic Spirit viewed me- a beautiful woman of strength who has tried to share some light.
My Spirit did not bend to my silly, self-deprecating idea of being “Chicken Little, Narcissist Whisperer”. It saw through that old, helpless defense of let me make fun of myself and put myself down so you do not need to.
What is above us will not lower itself to us. It is we who must raise ourselves up.
Why do we see the dark rather than the Love? Why would I view myself in such a poor light, when, as my art shows, the sense of love as a stepparent has shown through for so long?
The art is a calling to me, and perhaps you, to not settle for a view which keeps you down. Your Spirit will not lower itself to such contrivances.
We win nothing when we place our own hand upon head to push ourselves down.
Spirit is only seeking resonance from your own view of Love – that you, too, would see yourself with such vision.
For when you see yourself and your Light, Spirit finally sees itself in recognition.