Lies! Lies! ….Or why you can’t remain in a Narcissist’s Life

Mask

Mask

A friend recently commented that my blog and art are really where I tell my truth. I liked that sentiment. (Her comment also made me feel good about myself and my work. It’s the primary reason I keep this friend in my life…so I feel good about myself ๐Ÿ™‚ ).

Have you recently felt a certain energy of awareness in your life? I wonder if so many of us are in the middle of a spiritual awakening or something. The resonance I have felt with reading many of your blogs and your comments on mine has been amazing.

Recently, there was a blog written about the Parents of Narcissists. This blog is excellent and has helped me a great deal.

The author commented to me that the blog topic may have meaning to me given my situation ( I see my stepkids mother has narcissistic behaviors (in my mind)). I have often refrained from commenting on my stepkids in relation to this issue out of respect for them.

However, I am seeing a dynamic develop that very much applies to narcissistic relationships in general.

My stepson has always struggled in school. Accordingly, he is enrolled in summer school this year. He was with his mother during the first two weeks of it and then was at our home while I was traveling.

When I returned, I saw his summer school folder. A reading log was in the folder. For the first week, nothing was filled out. The teacher, ever hopeful, was not deterred however.

The second week nothing was filled out prompting the teacher to make such comments on the log such as “Where are you?” “Could you please catch up?” “Time to catch up.”

I said to my stepson, “Looks like the ball was being dropped a bit here.”

He became very angry and started screaming at me. I will spare the details, but the issue confronting him is that really neither he nor his parents are participating in his schooling any more.

However, to admit that is too painful, hence the onslaught of lies. I would never say my stepson is a narcissist, so please don’t misread this. But, what I learned is this:

At a certain point, unless you are willing to lie as your only form of engagement, you will be required to exit the narcissist’s life.

It really is as simple as that. Because the narcissist crafts so many lies, lives in such denial, and with a vengeance and rage that is truly frightening, will defend these lies, there is simply no place for you in the narcissist’s life unless you are willing to lie.

For example, in his current state, I can not help my stepson with homework. The homework is not real to him. He has crafted so many lies around it (along with his parents’ consent) that there is no homework issue in which to engage.
The only way I could work with him is to first believe his lies that he has been working hard and so on.

I only share this story, not to point fingers at my stepson, but to perhaps help others.

In some cases, we truly have loved someone with narcissistic tendencies (again, I am not saying this about my stepson, just a general comment) and we have wanted to make it “work”.

We have believed our love would triumph all. We believed in our strategies and our compassion to overcome the narcissistic behaviors. We thought with awareness we could limit their impact and “work around” them.

And in doing this, we have lied to ourselves.

When a narcissist is full-bent on spinning a web of lies, there is no space for you unless you are willing to lie.

YOu may think with your growing awareness that you will be able to provide the light and you only fool yourself.

If you are to commit to a narcissist, you commit to the lies. There is no other way.

And if you awareness grows to the point in which you can not buy the lies, then you will come to place of knowing there is no space for you in the relationship and you will leave- either symbolically or literally.

You have not failed your relationship with a narcissist. There simply was not a space for you amongst the lies and you, in your wisdom, chose to live life otherwise.

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29 thoughts on “Lies! Lies! ….Or why you can’t remain in a Narcissist’s Life

  1. This has arrived at exactly the right time, Kimberly – and is an answer to questions bubbling in my mind after days of mind-jelly type doubt. Thank you for expressing it so clearly and well! xxx

  2. My children tried to pull this crap too last year. Their NS father was awarded by the court, a school day because he is “trying” to be a father, (who tries, you are or your aren’t?). Destroyed them both academically, and behaviorally. My son, I physically had to go sit in 5th grade 2-3xs a week, therefore calling him out, also went to therapy more. It made a difference. Can’t wait for this year, not! ๐ŸŽ‰

    • I so appreciate you writing this. Unless people have experienced this they do not understand how a parent can undermine a child’s ability and success. we all like to believe every parent is dedicated to a child succeeding. This is simply not true.
      You made my day. Not that you are in the situation that you are in, but that you understand.

  3. I love the post – and I have a friend that as I was reading this I was totally thinking “That is her stepson!” I love the insights you provide!

    And then, I started to wonder if I’m a narcissist. I mean, I never think that the post applies to me, but I do fully feel that the world does revolve around me.

    Then I realize that if I’m actually wondering, then I’m not. It’s always good to clear that up!

    • HI Kate, I am so glad you posted this. I was worried I would come across as not loving my stepson or being too harsh on him. I just see the confusion/pain for him as he creates these lies.
      And, no, you are not a narcissist! Far, far from it!! So…soo..far from it ๐Ÿ™‚

  4. This story makes me sad. The boy has a mother who isn’t interested in his schoolwork. You are placed in the “you’re not my mother role”. I now see your dilemma re: sharing stories about the kids. It does open them to criticism by total strangers, but it is so enlightening for us (your readers). If your blog were anonymous, it would be different. I feel for you.

  5. On a different note, please tell me more about this drawing, “Mask”. The red face of the narcissist is truly terrifying, especially the slitted eyes, but the yellow inner eye gives me the impression of a hidden treasure that is divinely beautiful. What did you intend?

    • thanks so much for asking! I was playing with the energy between outside and inside. Even the horrible mask of the narcissist hides the light inside. Narcissism is a mask in the truest sense of the word.

  6. You always have such a simple and complete way of describing aspects of our relationships (or lack thereof) with narcissists. At a certain point, all one can do is step back and live a life of one’s own.

  7. Narcissism is part of being a teenager. Testing boundaries. Taking risks. Being impossibly arrogant and selfish. The odds may not be good that he can grow from here based on his parents … but don’t give up on him yet.

    • Oh, no, I would not give up on him. But, you know how a child’s fantasies especially surrounding parents are fragile at certain times? I am trying to get out of his space a little bit so he can be where he needs to be during this awakening.

  8. We all experience kids not doing their homework every now and then. I just got it 2 days back too. Infuriating as it can be, we still have to be much involved in their academic and lives. They may be screaming and hating our involvement, I know they much prefer our care and love than to be totally not caring at all.

    • Oh my goodness, I am so glad you replied. I so thought you would NEVER experience homework not done by your kids. You all just seemed to have it all together ๐Ÿ™‚
      I really appreciate your balanced words. I still care a great deal about my stepson and his work. However, I must be careful at the moment to understand he is really trying so hard to believe in certain things that may not be true. He is in a state of awakening and I want to support him in the best way possible.

  9. “At a certain point, unless you are willing to lie as your only form of engagement, you will be required to exit the narcissistโ€™s life.” This is so profound! I can see how this can and does lead to some children becoming scapegoats–they are not willing to lie. Children, being the innocents that they are, naturally tell the truth. They have to be taught to lie or be scared to tell the truth. This is really sad to hear about your stepson because he is already having a problem dealing with reality–what’s true and what’s not. The truth is what fits his agenda. In my opinion, a budding Narcissist (no offense).

    • You so get this!!! Yes, children do not lie (by nature) but they can be trained to lie.
      And bless you for “getting” my stepson, he does struggle with what is real and not real at times (he has been encouraged to do this by others, of course)

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