Certain “laws” exist in nature. Being a biologist, I often think of equilibrium as one of these laws. Some mistakenly think that equilibrium equates stasis or no movement. A great deal of movement can exist in equilibrium, however there is no NET gain in one direction or the other.
I also believe that the principle of equilibrium can extend beyond simple biological systems into more complex systems and situations, including personal relationships.
The “best” relationships are those that approach equilibrium. They are 50-50 in nature and filled with give and take.
In a relationship with a narcissist, though, there is no hope of 50-50. The end point of equilibrium will never, ever be reached.
The reason for this is that equilibrium only works in an enclosed, intact system. If there is an outlet for the system, equilibrium is unlikely to be reached, as substances are constantly lost to the exit.
The narcissistic personality has a HUGE exit whole. A narcissist has little to no capability to “hang onto” and maintain anything within him or herself.
Remember, narcissists are like black holes. They can consume and consume and consume and they never are “full” as things never stay inside them and instead drain away.
Narcissists are thus in a constant state of esoteric HUNGER. They are empty and they are looking to get their fill. They are actually compulsively driven to find something/someone to fill them up.
A narcissist internally feels at a level best known as “zero”. If you enter in a relationship with a narcissist, the narcissist will seek to fulfill him or herself from your reserves.
Being at zero, the narcissist will see you as having “more” and have the full expectation that you have something to GIVE to the narcissist.
You are likely, at first, to think in terms of exchange and equilibrium like you do in most relationships. You will think – “I will give a little. The narcissist will fill up a little and then want to give back to me. ” Back and forth, back and forth you imagine it to be.
But you forget, nothing stays within the narcissist.
You will give. They will consume and again be empty.
You will give.
Or you will be threatened, belittled, and/or controlled until you give and you will hope, “This is enough.” And the narcissist will feed upon your giving and voila- still be empty and hungry for more.
The narcissist, being so wounded and un-present internally, has no capability to hold onto and maintain energetic exchanges. Whatever you give is simply lost to the narcissistic void.
Final score for internal fulfillment in this type of relationship
Narcissist: 0 You (if you continue to give with nothing in return):0. ( I worry too many actually end up below “0” having given so much of themselves).
No one wins.
If you do have to interact with a narcissist, save your reserves and energy the best that you can. They will only be wasted upon the narcissist – who has nothing to give in return.