This past weekend, we had a family dynamic that had me sliding into insane thinking.
I had asked my husband and stepkids to do something for me. I actually classified this as a “NEED” of mine. It was that important. And they failed to get this thing done.
And this is where it got frightening in a “what am I thinking?” aspect. When they did not complete this thing, here is where my mind went on its glorious arc of insane thinking:
I had the thought “Am I not lovable? Is there something wrong with me that someone does not want to do something important for me? Is there some type of defect I carry that someone who cares about me does not care enough to put my need first?” (Actually, the question was not “Is there a defect…” My mind assumed there was. The real question was: “What defect is there within me that make me unlovable?” )
Those of you who struggle with a sense of self will have no problem understanding what I am writing about. The old childhood fears has moved front and center to whack me upside the head with their whisper of “Kim, you simply are not lovable…enough….If you were, then these things would not happen to you.”
I could spend this blog psycho-analyzing this, but I prefer my art do it for me. And the image above is what came to me.
It represents in some weird way to me, a creation myth. (Yes, entire cultures are built around creation myths, and I think it is fine to sit in my office and come up with my own 🙂 ).
Anyway, the world is built and supported by the bull’s horns. But the horns, to me, also look like a ship underneath a red moon (1st chakra, survival). IN the boat are 8 blue circles (blue= spiritual, 8 is a sacred number- 7 chakras plus the Divine. ) Ships with passengers are very common in creation myths and I liked the symbolism of building a complete life to travel across the horizons.
The sides of the bull’s heads are “fish” symbols. I was thinking of the symbol for Pisces, also associated with yin-yang.
The snake in the middle is kundalini energy, the energy of life.
Here is what I took from the image:
The bull is my gatekeeper- strong, solid, protective. It is balanced by the energy of Pisces. However, this balancing does not make it weak, it makes it stronger because it is balanced. The bull has no problem protecting and carrying my world (self) on its horns.
What the bull does, though, is decide what life energy (snake) gets to rise up to touch my life. In this picture, the snake is moving upward to touch the 8 circles of my life, but this is not always the case.
I GET TO DECIDE WHAT ENERGY to let into my life. The fact my husband and stepkids let me down is their energy not mine. And the bull knows this.
Most of us who have been deeply wounded know how sincerely difficult it is to be gatekeepers in our own lives. We let our defenses go years ago, and have been building them ever since.
I hope this image inspires you to protect that which is most dear to you- your sense of self.
The quote below appeared on a blog recently: I LOVE IT! Most of our neurotic behavior is due to avoidance of legitimate pain. – John Bradshaw