Weapons of the Abuser.
I have only begun to be aware (understanding is still likely far away) how much stress and tension I have carried through this life, while I await the next attack by the narcissists in my life.
This gearing-up and protecting myself has been unconscious for the most part, but that does not mean it has any less significance or impact upon my life.
If you live with a narcissist in your field of life, you know of which I speak. You are always waiting, waiting. Even when things are going “well”, you know that “well” has an expiration date. To make things interesting, the expiration date is always variable. This keeps us on our toes. We can never trust, we can never relax, because we simply live in the unknown, crazy world of a narcissist or abuser.
Someone responded to a blog of mine that narcissistic attacks are attacks of an existential nature. They certainly are. Narcissists make us question are very existence. They literally treat us as if we do not exist.
The weapons they use to carry out these attacks vary, but the threat is always present. Narcissists believe they can destroy our very existence, because at their core, every narcissist is in existential crisis- they truly do not exist in their own minds, they are mere reflections of the rest of us, the truly living.
I spend a lifetime waiting for attacks
You send paper airplane-
Only to startle me- a warning-
The next may be real
Your threat hierarchy is seared
Into my neuronal pathways
Always on alert, am I,
The tension familiar to me
Days of green, hedging
To yellow and unless I
Change world and more for you-
The ever-present terror of red
You wield knife- the double-edged
Blade- until I no longer know
what side is safe for me,
Memories- too many-
Of your words, which
Flesh from bone
I had to look- had to-
If I were still
You laughed at my sincerity.
Did you always have to twist
the knife? Did you need slice
plus pound of flesh
And then, when all else fails-
To pound out the light, until I
Stumbled in darkness, not
It has always been battle
Royale for you- hasn’t it?
This mere challenge of existence,
When all you have is a reflection.
You demand your dues
That everyone else must
Make you feel real-
Hence the rage- the debt is too much, even for you.
You believe I owe
You life- so that YOU may
Feel you exist- my role as mirror,
So you always know you are here
Your arsenal speaks of annihilation.
And you can not recognize the irony
You want to annihilate me, so you
Can taste the life within me.
The price too great and my soul
Says “No”, for you see, I can not
Give you what you seek- a sense of
Life and living.