Mirror, Mirror…The One Gaze Narcissists Can’t Stand

We are all familiar with the myth of Narcissist falling in love with his reflection.  Self-reflection is an interesting act for narcissists.  Although most to of us enjoy it when others agree with our self-reflection (that is others see us in a similar light, as we see ourselves), for a Narcissist this become a struggle of almost life-and-death intensity.  To a Narcissist, YOU MUST believe in his or her own self-created identity.

That is the only option.  Pity you, if you are fool enough to attempt in any way to counter this self-created fantasy. There is no negotiation, compromise, offers to hear a different perspective- because these things do not exist to a Narcissist.  In fact, you could have VOLUMES of evidentiary materials that counter the Narcissist’s view, but still it will not matter.  This evidence could include the Narcissist’s own words and actions, but they, if it is convenient to the Narcissist, will be dismissed as a lack of understanding on YOUR part. The self-constructed “reality” of a Narcissist is all that exists in a Narcissist’s mind, and they will protect this creation as if it were a life and death struggle.

If you become too forthright in your accusations (or even kind statements) that the Narcissist’s reality may be a little “off kilter”- you will be dismissed from the kingdom.  For something a Narcissist can not stand, that despite hours symbolically gazing at their own reflection, they can not stand the thought of any one’s eyes truly peering upon them.

Narcissists want to engage in self-reflection, of which you are to agree wtih whole-heartedly.  An objective, witnessing gaze is NOT what the narcissist is seeking. Such a gaze has absolutely no relevance to the Narcissist, nor do most Narcissists have any ability to integrate such vision, given how full they are with their own created version.

For those of us who are not narcissists, this is very difficult to understand.  We think if we are honest, forthright, and realistic, then surely, surely the narcissist will “understand” a different perspective or view.  No.  The narcissit has only gaze, whether this gaze contains any semblence of reality for the rest of us or not, does not matter to the narcissist.

Above is a picture of a Narcissist, gazing longing in her mirror.  Her only fear is the eyes outside of her, that may actually see.


32 thoughts on “Mirror, Mirror…The One Gaze Narcissists Can’t Stand

  1. The narc I dated had once been married. His ex-wife was actually his cousin from South America. He brought her to Virginia USA on a 6-month fiancée visa. He claims he fell out of love with her before the 6 months passed but married her anyhow. Within 6 months of being married, he filed for divorce. He doesn’t speak to her, EVER! He claims he did her a favor and that because of him, she has a better life in the States. He’s incapable of admitting that he was lonely and needed her for that short period until he met another woman while still married. He moved the girlfriend in before the divorce was final and became engaged to her. That engagement ended because he met me, lied to me about being engaged, and proceeded to charm his way into my life and my family’s life. To this day he claims he has NEVER cheated on anyone. To him, those relationships were already “over” in his mind before he pursued his next victim. Thanks for the post.

      • Lacking realism is the perfect way to describe the guy. Another one of his classic unrealistic views was his personal observation of his family dynamics: He, his parents and brother never hugged or said I love you to each other. He would say that they were an evolved family that communicated “above” average families. They didn’t need to waste time doing and saying these things. I chuckled inwardly at the stupidity behind this. He tried so hard to present himself as such an intellectual, when, in fact, he never went to school beyond his South American high school education. The only thing he could do that I couldn’t as far as intellect was speak Spanish and English fluently. Beyond that, everything that came out of his mouth was stolen from someone he once knew. What a counterfeit!

  2. Replace “she” with “he” and you have just posted about my ex-husband.

    A red flag I overlooked until many, many years later was his statement of: “My biggest fear is seeing my two ex-wives talking to each other.” We were only married a year and a half before I left him.

    I have found the best way to deal with his narcissistic attitude is to pretend like he doesn’t exist. Hard to do since we have a son together, but on the occassions we do have to talk, I basically act like I’m scooping up dog poop – a nasty job, but it has to be done and done with quick! That attitude upsets him more than anything else I’ve done in the last 16 years of knowing him.

    • So funny how after you disengage with a narcissist, you begin to understand what it is all about. Even the comment about his two ex-wives meeting reflects this. In the mouths of some people, such a comment would be a little light-hearted, poking fun at the situation. Not so for a narcissist, he was not joking. I love your approach now! A “nasty job”, but someone has to do it! 🙂

  3. This description sounds a lot like my fiance’s ex-wife. She is an unattractive, incompetent person still living with her parents, yet she has fabricated an image of herself in which she is independent, intelligent, and many other glowing traits she does not have. She lies to the kids about it (insists her parents’ house is hers) and gets very angry if they don’t uphold her lies. I refuse to pretend her lies are true, so naturally I am a horrible person.

    I like the scooping dog poop comparson. How accurate!

  4. Paula and others, I completely understand what you are saying. I was married to a narcissist for 18 years. I only realised two years after our divorce when I could have some perspective. He would say he was ‘one of the best in the world’ at his job. He could not take any type of criticism. He started an affair while we were married and he has charmed his way into his new ‘circle’. He feels perfectly righteous about the sex costume he had sent to our home for him to use with his girlfriend. I don’t believe that narcissists are capable of loving anyone; they don’t know how to. He has told his new circle of friends (and he believes his own bs) that our marriage was ‘over’ before he started the affair, and that he left me with ALL the money. His new circle does not know that he had debts when we married and I already owned all the assets. I feel sorry for his new victim, sorry ‘wife’. He bends over backwards to make sure that she sees only the ‘character’ that he has created. He hasn’t spoken to his mother for about 20 years. He is not capable of empathy. It took me years to work that out. He is not interested in anyone unless they think he is wonderful, even his children. It is impossible to co-parent, because he believes that everything he does, no matter how selfish, is right. So I have finally worked out that it is best to have NOTHING to do with him; and my life is much more peaceful. My girls will have to work out their own relationship with him; they are now old enough. But he has disappointed them SO much and I wish I could shield them from his selfishness/narcissism.

    • HI! Thanks for your wonderful reply! I feel for your children, as I do any child who must interact with a narcissist. It is difficult enough as an adult! I am so glad you have such a healthy perspective, but it is difficult to stand by and watch a narcissist hurt others. So sad the havoc such people can inflict on the lives of others.

  5. My 74 years old husband (soon to be EX) preens to the extreme ——-I think he is actually finding it unbelievable HE is aging. I imagine he thought he was exempt.

  6. Reblogged this on galesmind and commented:
    This was indeed my mistake to make the narcissist see how foolish and destructive their behavior is. To try to help my friend get loose. You cannot win with someone who lives in their own world.

  7. What a fantastic post Kimberly!! I can so relate to all of it! Your right, if you exert to much of your REALITY about the Narcissist you are ‘kicked out of their kingdom’ only to be sent to their hell. ❤ this post!!

  8. Oh my goodness, I love this. I thankfully only met ‘my’ narcissist (ooo I detest referring to him as mine but you know what I mean) a few months ago. He charmed the pants off me and got me pregnant sharpish, complete with the vision of a dream life. The reality of a baby on the way totally flipped his reality switch and now he is a vile, vile man. I am thankful for learning this so early on and desperately sad for my baby, having him for a father, but I am gathering my reserves of love so that whatever he throws at us I will be able to overwhelm it with love. I can’t imagine we’ll escape unscathed from him but we’ll use the lessons he, erm, inflicts, to build a far richer life than he could ever imagine. So heartening to see all these other people who have woken up to pathetic narcissists, I want to high five you all lol! 🙂

    • Oh, gosh, I feel for you and your situation. But, I love your upbeat energy and your sense of awareness. There is an awesome community of support here- I have learned so much! Please stay in touch.

      • Thanks so much. It’s important to keep it all in perspective. There is so much to be happy about in life and he represents just a tiny part of my life, there is no need to be consumed by his influence (since that’s also exactly what he wants). Sooner or later he’ll move on to his next victim. Good luck to you all 🙂 x

  9. Very helpful input here. Thanks. It seems like there are various degrees of this with people – the ones to watch out for have had a lot of practice & are skilled at what they do.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s