As I recounted in my last post, we experienced a situation recently in which my stepchildren’s biological mother’s tried to employ her command of the English language to bond with her children over how poorly I “parent” them. Richard Ades Warshak describes this process eloquently in his book, Divorce Poison.
What has been nice is that Warshak’s book is like having a copy of the enemy’s battle plan. Whatever she comes up with, he describes perfectly. One would hope that such an “adversary” would at least be unique, but it works to my advantage that she is so predictable.
Selective Attention- Check! Exagerration- Check! Repetition – Check!
I have considered actually purchasing her a copy of the book. It would be my hope she would read it and see what she is costing her children by her behavior. More likely, she would use it for further “strategic planning”.
Because I get bored easily and have lost any hope that the children’s Mom will surprise and intrigue me with her behavior, I was more than thrilled when her recent attack of me resulted in something I had only, until recently, dared hope for by my husband.
He completely stood up to his ex-wife!
Three is a crowd, especially in a marriage. Well, three is even a crowd in the same neighborhood, not that his ex- would have thought of that before moving into our area.
Anyway, after this last encounter, my husband (be still my heart) sent his ex- an e-mail. And, he finally said to her- in his own way- to get out of our lives. She had been badgering him to meet and “talk”. Hmmm…. Having a developed woman’s intuition that would rival the size of a orbitting satellite, I immediately cued in that she wanted to talk to him about me. This could not be good.
So, I did the “run interference” tactic for a bit. Whenever my husband and his ex-wife had to be together (school functions for the kids, etc.), well, guess who else showed up? Me! You know, I am always so interested in my stepkids, I just want to attend everything (insert sarcasm). Of course, while I was there, she always had an excuse as to why she could not talk to him at that time.
Well, my husband finally caught on and e-mailed in no uncertain terms to his ex- “If you want to meet to talk about Kim, I am not interested. If you want to meet about something else, that is fine and I am happy to meet.”
Oh, how her sails wilted….what was the point of meeting if he would not talk about me? A word to ex-wives here- Your husband’s remarriage does not need you in the middle of it. Ever.
Of course, things can’t end there. She called my husband, who refused to participate in her negativity. And she ends the conversation with- “In the future, we should talk about these things. Don’t just e-mail me.”
Note to ex- : My husband’s e-mail to you was the clear indication to you that he did NOT want to talk to you. I would say read between the lines, but, heck when the idea is clearly spelled out in the actual lines, one would think she would get it.
She reminds me again that she is one of those people who simply can not connect the dots. Give her a dot picture of a giraffe in a savannah and she will connect the dots into the shape of a walrus and insist it is correct.
At the end of it all, though, who cares. I felt protected and cared about, and my husband finally kicked the 3rd wheel out of our marriage.
Of course, he and she will talk about kid issues and that is fine- but in our marriage matters- three is a crowd.