Narcissism…It’s not About the Ego, Dammit!
Interaction with a narcissist can quickly become twisty-turvy. We don’t help ourselves when we confuse the issue by not understanding narcissism. Narcissism is NOT about having a big ego; narcissists are actually too empty inside to have a well-developed ego.
Another ploy that confuses us about narcissism is when we are told that we all have “narcissistic tendencies”. No! No! No! We have egos, not narcissism, and there is a DISTINCT difference. Narcissism is a pathological (my word) mental illness. If you are interacting with a narcissist right now- STOP (if possible).
You and a narcissist are NOT similar. Do not see yourself in him or her. It’s one of the tricks. We think narcissists are like us, so we try to relate. Secondarily, don’t let them off the hook by believing that everyone has little narcissism. Everyone has an Ego; some big, some small. Not everyone has a severe personality disorder like narcissism.
I only feel so strongly about this because I saw someone I love deal with a narcissist and as she was reading about narcissism, she began to feel guilty, thinking she was narcissistic. (I assure you, she is not). No one has a “little narcissism” just like we don’t have a “little” OCD, bipolar depression, or schizophrenia. We have egos, hopefully healthy and intact.
“Dissecting my Narcissist”
I read about you last night.
The book displayed you-
pool gazing again.
Studious, I was -
serious in discovering your nature.
Enthralled, I was not.
Mired, as you are in your own reflection,
you provide enough enthrall-ment for us both.
Survivability drove my perusal of the synopsis
of you.
Heroine of my own story, I believe knowledge is protection.
The text and picture displayed in that tome
morphed into something uglier than I imagined.
What was once a singular view- you and that damn pool
became a cast of characters, all reflecting.
The book claimed narcissism is within us all.
What a silly thought, thought I.
I have an Ego.
Yes, I do.
This Ego enables me to stand up to you.
But, to say “me is like you” as
this fable-book implies?
Never.
Such silly, wasted script.
I see nothing of you in my reflection.
Narcissism is NOT about ego. If it were, it would not be so horrible and black. We all know Egoic individuals- and they can be tiring and such. But this is where narcissism deviates from simple ego- narcissism takes and takes and takes and leaves nothing. Those individuals I know with big Egos also give back and sense the internal line where enough is enough. Not the narcissist. Never let anyone tell you, as a way to control you, that you have narcissistic tendencies. You have an ego- use it effectively.
I think I thought the “narcissist” was like me because she started mirroring my behavior and my emotions. So I would ignore all the red flags and tell others that when we were alone, she was different, more understanding, more empathetic. But all the while when she would display “empathy” it always felt forced and faked, over the top. It was like she was trying to convince me that she could be as empathetic as I was. What I realize now is that she is just a chameleon, changing into whatever gets her the most attention/supply.
This is a great post. It really helps to differentiate exactly what is going on. Thank you.
Thanks for your kind words. I think narcissism is so tricky to deal with. We almost have no defense as it plays against our compassion and our need to connect. I like the insights you have about your own situation.
This is an excellent post!
Such a great distinction — thanks for the clarification!
I completely agree – it’s not about the ego, since we all have one.
It has been my observation about narcissists (as I was unfortunate enough to grow up among them) that the difference is along the axis of morality. Narcissists are intentionally evil, because they perceive their own selves so ‘important’ that they think that all means are justified to maintain their grandiosity, wealth, power, special and elevated social status.
Non-narcissists would stop as soon they realise that their ways do hurt some -or many- others.
For narcissists, however, seeing the others’ misery is an additional narcissistic supply, because it further strengthens their delusion of being “deservedly” better off, while in their eyes the “lesser” others and the “worthless mob”, do deserve their suffering.
I always overlook how the pain and suffering of another actually feeds into the narcissistic supply. You are so very correct- most of us stop when we see we are hurting another. Thanks you for the perspective.