How Our “Understanding” of Narcissism is Completely Wrong
The myth of Narcissist and Echo is familiar to most of us. We have misunderstood a major point of narcissism, though and this has sadly, lead to responses and behaviors ineffective when dealing with narcissists because we miss the core issue.
“Ode to a Narcissist”
Oh, my sweet, sweet narcissist
Look at you-
In your graceless sorrow and sorrowful greatness
Preening as if all the world was but a stage
Head and neck extended, attempting as you do, to relate
The plaintive, sick warble issues from your throat
“I can not see. I can not see.”
What would there be to see?
asks I, standing idly by
You turn, teeth exposed, Raven-ous in your
devouring blackness
Nuance is never your strong point, while rage is your default
I know you little secret
I whisper in conspiracy
Paintings capture your vision -locked unto that pool
You have stood by that damn pool for eons, Searching
Only now I know- It’s not the reflection which drives
your intent
and fires your motivation
but rather, the secret we now share;
You are staring because you see nothing but your own blackness
and
You are hoping and
You are praying
If you stare long enough
If you stare hard enough
You will see yourself.
As Echo and witness to your ever-lasting gaze
I simply say, “I wish you luck”
And those simple words almost kill you.
Our most familiar image of narcissism is of Naricissus staring at his reflection in the pool, while Echo looks on. We have mistaken what this image means. Narcissus is not caught up staring at his “wonderful” reflection. It’s actually much, much scarier than this. Narcissists stare and stare because they see nothing. There is no reflection for a narcissist to become enamored with. This is why narcissists are such needy people. They only see blackness where their own self-reflection should be. They expect the rest of us to provide the proper “mirror/reflecting” back to them.
The poem ends with the simple idea that all narcissists need us to care so much about them because they can not care for themselves. The one thing narcissists can not stand is to be ignored, it almost kills them, because without you, they are nothing.
Incredibly sad. But there really is nothing left for others to do but to wish them luck as your poem alludes. Just a perfect illustration, I think, of what is really going on behind the narcissist’s lonely gaze. Thank you!
HI Paula, and thank you for re-blogging my post. Realizing what we can and can not do for such individuals allows us to detach in a healthy way. The depths of their pain can be overwhelming if we stay in their circle of influence.
Reblogged this on Paula's Pontifications and commented:
Those untouched by a narcissistic rage find it hard to understand that a narcissist is driven by the awareness of his own emptiness not his perceived grandiosity. Wonderful insight, Kimberly!!
This is so true and my father.
I am so sorry to hear this, I can only imagine growing up with such energy being present. Thank you for your comment.
thank you, it’s pure fear. your post was so good and i hadn’t thought of it that way before.
Hi, I have two children who are growing up with a father who is extreme, pathological level narcissist. I would love to understand more about what they are dealing with from someone who has been there, and what can be done to help them by the other parent.
I really must check out your post. My husband’s ex-wife is a narcissist and I see the damage she does to her children. I wish you and your children the best. when dealing with a narcissist, it is a constant course of trying to maintain your sense of center and your self while they continually try to derail you.
I read this on Paula’s blog. Thank you. I can’t process how this made me feel right now. It’s powerful…and it’s spot-on. I *do* know that it made me feel very sad. The funny thing is that even though my life has been scarred by a wife who this fits like a hate-sweater, I still felt emotion for her when I read this. She has robbed my life, she has stolen children from love, she has destroyed lives, she has separated kids from an entire family. The last time I saw her, the first in two years, she seemed an empty shell with a cold, cold gaze. This made me shudder, because it plausibly describes her thought processes. What the hell? I’d send this to her if she wouldn’t use it as a further vehicle to claim I’m crazy and therefore have no right to my children. :/
Thank you so much for your heartfelt words. Of course, I can understand why you would feel sad for your ex- when you read this. Compassion is one of our greatest gifts and when we see someone in pain, our response is to want to help, even if the pain is the result of narcissism. I find narcissists to be so consuming and such a void of neediness, control, and destruction, it is best to cut ties if we can (even if the ties are only emotional and symbolic). As she is the mother of your children, of course you can not cut ties completely, but you can remain centered in your own convictions and life. I truly wish you peace and goodness.
This is an excellent distinction, Kimberly, and one that I had also missed. Thanks.
yes, you think they feel “great” about themselves and that is why they stare at that image in the pool. They are actually trying to find themselves in even a small way. Since they are not able to do this, they expect us to supply this reflection.
Awesome insight indeed–especially that the one thing a narcissist can’t stand is to be ignored.
If you have ever had a narcissist in your life, you know that being ignored is like a stake in the heart to them.
I was introduced through Paula’s reblog
I must say, this is quite an interesting twist on the Narcissist. Very astounding, but it does make sense. The Narcissist seems to have emotion, unlike the Psychopath. The Narc emotion-sphere is exaggerated, though. Not because they are “better” than anyone (?) but because they can’t quell their imperfections and loneliness. Could it be that their self worth is so low, they can’t accept it, and so require admirers to constantly fluff their ego or give them attention? Interesting. Thank you
Thanks for your insightful comments. Narcissism is such a strange energy. I have friends who I would consider to have “big egos” but their energy is still so different than someone with narcissism. Narcissists suck people dry because they really can’t seem to self-reflect, and of course, we can not provide such reflections for them.
Great thoughts–a bit scary too.
Yes a very good understanding! of course there is nothing there for them to see, that is why they MUST take from others!
Yes! They constantly expect us to be “suppliers” of their image. Very sad.
yes it is sad…and all we can do is try to protect ourselves from them and in your case you have children that must be protected, that really is sad! but you seem to have a good handle of things
Reblogged this on Refuting a Book of Lies: Forbidden Family –.
Wow. Just wow. This makes me think of my parents with even greater understanding.
I always hope in understanding narcissism, we can protect ourselves a little better. they are so damn! good at manipulation!!
Thank you so much, Kimberly. I came by this on Paula’s blog and wrote a response there. So beautiful and so heart wrenching. We ARE compassionate people. So much so that I truly wanted to be something for the narcissist. He would stare and stare at ME constantly with a horrible dark gaze in his eyes.. He was desperate to see himself somehow and used me to do it…in every breath, every move, every action, every response, every emotion, every joy he took from me trying to be it.
And I knew those simple words would almost kill him even as I said them walking out the door. But I had to do it or die myself. So be it, I’ve been given life again and maybe someday my love will not be used in this tortuous and horrible way but in a true way that is joyous, happy and free.
wow!! What honest words. You know exactly what I am talking about. Even a slight disconnect of your attention feels like a knife to the heart for a narcissist. It literally become a full-time job to mirror back to them some sense of self. we think if we do it enough, they will eventually grow and learn to take care of themselves. Sadly, I really have never experienced a narcissist who has grown significantly.
Wonderful, very true post! It’s the irony of the disorder that the driving force of their rage and pain is emotional emptiness. It’s sad that they deal with it (although not our job to fix it) and so likely caused by what must have been a very painful childhood.
It’s difficult because we are caring/empathetic people. We sometimes believe if we show them love, that they will finally “get” it. We, instead, however become the Echo in painting- standing there for all of eternity.
Anyone who has experienced living with a narcissist will recognize your accurate description. They demand attention and abuse others in order to elevate themselves. And goodness you hit the nail on the head when you say the worst thing you can do to a narcissist is ignore them. Their reaction is going to be fierce.
Love the strength of your writing. Thank you.
wow! thanks for your kind words. Living with something who is narcissistic is a very specific experience. It’s beyond egotism. Their abuse of others is in proportion to their own pain. And, yes, they find the greatest pain when others ignored them. So sad.
beautiful and you scared me.
thank you! I loved your haiku that touched on narcissism
I love this part right here
“The poem ends with the simple idea that all narcissists need us to care so much about them because they can not care for themselves. The one thing narcissists can not stand is to be ignored, it almost kills them, because without you, they are nothing.”
My soon to be ex is sending me message after message because I’m ignoring him. He can’t stand it.
It’s not funny how compulsive they become when they are ignored. I am glad you are moving on from your ex-. Being ignored is a fate worse than death for a narcissist- they have nothing to fall back on.